Birthday Boy

So, a few months ago in a vain attempt at both humor and a deep seated desire to "1 degree of Kevin Bacon", Charlie Sheen. I started asking Bree Olsen to be my 30th Birthday date. The first 10 tweets I just threw out into the vast twitter-web in hopes someone would giggle; and by giggle I mean fall madly in love with me. Making 15 year old me proud of what 30 year old me was able to accomplish solely by sitting in front of a laptop...Believe me, the irony not was not lost on me. In the end Bree Olsen was a no show. Guess I'll just have to shoot for an Olsen twin at my 40th birthday party now

So 10 tweets...

@BreeOlson wanna be my date for my 30th day party? Qualification: 1) Fun personality. Think Jim from the office...but slightly less handsome

@BreeOlson 2) I don't stink

@BreeOlson 3) Decently talented...I've been called the songbird of my generation by people who may or may not be my parents

@BreeOlson 4) Did I mention I don't stink

@BreeOlson 5) Though not a hippie or gay I live in San Francisco and that's pretty cool

@BreeOlson 6) I'm creeped out by magicians. So you don't have to worry about them ever coming around. That's piece of mind

@BreeOlson 7) If you aren't my date I'm going to take my friend Cool Ranch Doritos...

@BreeOlson 8) Jason Hoover= Professional Bear Defense Course Instructor. That's piece of mind if Bears get loose in the bar

@BreeOlson 9) You can bounce a quarter off my ass... And by "quarter" I mean basketball. And by "ass" I mean my head.

@BreeOlson ...finally 10) I can talk to Squirrels. Matter of fact one is next to me right now. Whats that Ben? I agree she should be my date.

No answer at this point. 10 more couldn't hurt right?

@BreeOlson 11) You probably didn't read the first 10 but 'm persistent

@BreeOlson 12) I just mistyped your name and sent a tweet to @BretHart. he is not as pretty. Also, Canadian

@BreeOlson 13) Meat? pst who needs it!

@BreeOlson 14) OK that last one was a lie. I really like meat. But respect your none meat ways

@BreeOlson 15) and final reason you should come with me to my birthday party. it'll be fun

@BreeOlson 16) ugh that last one was trite. There is zero chance zombies attack my birthday party. But if they do...i'm prepared...always

@BreeOlson 16) please direct all complaints to Steve Jobs and autocorrect...wait what happened?

@BreeOlson 17) everyone who shows up gets a bunny.

@BreeOlson 18) the 3 remaining midgets from wizard of Oz will be there

Direct Message received from Bree Olsen: You won.

Direct Message sent to Bree Olsen: 19) At my birthday party the 60th guest wins a washer/dryer combo...I've only invited 30 people. You make 31


@BreeOlson drumroll for final #20) I smell like new car smell

Fine 10 more reasons why @BreeOlson should be my birthday date...

@BreeOlson 20) Las Vegas is only a short @VirginAmerica and Richard Branson hit air balloon trip to SF. Only the finest things

@BreeOlson 21) It's not spying that I know you are in Vegas. I told you I speak to animals. Your kitten ratted you out

@BreeOlson 22) Kitten...Ratted...Come on...#wordplay

@BreeOlson 23) The single most terrifying thing that can happen to a man is turning 30 alone.

@BreeOlson 24) ....that and your childhood teddy bear coming to life and hunting you down for leaving it, "All awone "

@BreeOlson 25) My 30th birthday was predicted by Mayans

@BreeOlson 26) Mayans AND Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple. #shrineofthesilvermonkey

@BreeOlson 27) Im trained in the art of the Harrison Ford punch. Effective against: Nazis, temple guards, people on my damn plane.

@BreeOlson 28) My impression of Robert De Niro talking to Yoda about grammar was voted "Most Hilarious" by Mothers Quarterly Magizine.

@BreeOlson 29) CHEX MIX!!!!

@BreeOlson 30th reason why you should be my date for my 30th: There's____chance____will____raspberries___into the night___Carol Channing!!

Giants Positional Breakdown: Second Base

"And it appears Freddy Sanchez is hurt"

You could put pretty solid odds on hearing that quote at least once this upcoming season. Sanchez's games played totals over the last 3 years paint a pretty clear picture.

2009: 111 games

2010: 111 games

2011: 60 games

For a player who will be 34 at the start of the 2012 season the Giants can expect Sanchez (even in his contract year) to play somewhere between 90-110 games. But for the 90 or so games he gives the Giants, Sanchez should be a viable number two hitter.

Sanchez's projected splits: .275/.322/.377

But since no one likes batting average as a stat anymore lets just assume .275 stands for the percentage of times he would look adorable in a Mickey Mouse costume.

So...

What NOT to do

Nothing. The worst thing the Giants could do is go into the season assuming Sanchez will play 140 plus games. Along these lines assuming that anyone currently in house is a viable backup would also be short sided. Jeff Keppinger and Manny Burris (both decent bench guys) should not be counted on to fill Sanchez's spot full time should/when he get injured.

What TO do

I can't believe I am gonna say this. Jerry Hairston. A multi-use utility player makes more sense here than any in house option. Additionally, the free agent second baseman market isn't even worth looking at. Kelly Johnson is likely the best available player. But his Type A status makes him a foolish risk. Signing Hairston would also prevent a more serious problem. Him signing with another N.L. West team and spending another season torturing the Giants. If you can't beat em, join em..er...sign em...

What WILL happen

Second base for the Giants will depend largely on what happens at Shortstop. If Brandon Crawford is given the everyday job at shortstop expect a veteran back up to be somewhere in that mix. That veteran could be a re-sign of Orlando Cabrera or someone like the aforementioned Hairston. Ideally, a player who could spell both positions when needed. The Giants will make it a priority to shore up the middle infield depth. Depth at both middle infield positions is a high priority right now. Higher than the big outfield bat everyone is clamoring for

Giants Positional Breakdown: Shortstop

"If Brandon Crawford can hit .240 the Giants will be fine"

I actually heard this quote a few weeks back and shuddered at the truth behind it. The Giants haven't had a good shortstop since Aurilla. Not Visquel, not Aurilla part deux, not Uribe, and no not Renteria. So a long term shortstop is way overdue

What NOT to do: Sign Joe Reyes.
6/100 million for a shortstop that on average plays 130 games. Did I look that number up? Nope don't need to. The book on Reyes is so well know it seems almost preposterous that someone would even consider paying him his desired asking price. The Giants don't have a good history with big ticket free agents. If the Giants pay a player more than 20 million on the open market chances are the deal is going to be frowned upon. Bonds being the rarest of exceptions to this rule. The sirens call that Reyes emits is that he fills both the shortstop and leadoff role the Giants covet so deeply. The best move for the Giants in regards to Reyes is to cover their ears and just sail right on past him.

What to absolutely positively NOT do under any circumstances. Even the sudden rapture of every human being under the age of 30
Old shortstops.

What TO do: Let Brandon Crawford play.
The Brandon Belt experience last year should be example enough for the Giants. Let the high prospects play. If you think enough to bring them up it does little to no good to let them rot on the bench. Crawford hitting .240 isn't good. When Juan Uribe hit .248 he did so with a high homerun total that the Giants do not expect from Crawford. That said the Giants need a YOUNG shortstop they can run out every day, no matter how many he rolls over. The plan should be to play Crawford everyday. Give him 400 ABs sink or swim.

Next Whatnot-2B

Alex>Trent

Stop comparing Alex Smith to Trent Dilfer. It's not accurate. Not even close really.

Trent Dilfer's 2000 season with the Baltimore Ravens has become emblematic. If an NFL quarterback is doing *just* enough to win, he is Dilfer. If a quarterback is playing in the shadow of an elite NFL defense, he is Dilfer. We might as well change the phrase "game manager" to "Dilfering".

Alex Smith is not Dilfering.

Stats alone paint a fairly clear picture of the difference between the two.

DILFER: G(11) COMP%(59.3) YDS(1,502) TD(12) INT(11) RATE(76.6)HAIR(0)EYES(crossed)

SMITH: G(9) COMP%(64) YDS(1,709) TD(11) INT(3) RATE(95.8) HAIR(golden) EYES(piercing)

See any similarities there? Neither do I. Alex Smith is not an elite quarterback, regardless of what Harbaugh says. But he is certainly having a better, more reliable, year than Dilfer did. He is a better quarterback. A more reliable quarterback. And there is no chance he is getting replaced by Elvis Grbac next year.

Debunking the Internets Pacquiao/Marquez drivel

I watched the Pacquiao/Marquez fight sandwiched between a drunk guy from Alabama and an even drunker Irish guy. After 12 rounds and just as much boxing the two could agree on two things: One more beer and Pacquiao had won. The culturally different drunks can agree. So why can't the internetubs?

Both sides lost
Hardly true. Clearly Manny's "legacy", as it stands right now, has taken a bit of a hit. And Marquez is now forever linked to Manny like boxing's version of the Buffalo Bills. But there was a winner in this fight, and it was Pacquiao. People have come to expect a certain type of fight from Pacquiao. They expect the destruction that he offered up to Hatton. Fact is, it's not always going to be that way. People see Pacquiao as this miniature version of Mike Tyson. Rampaging over lesser boxers leaving a trail of knockouts. So because Pacquiao didn't beat a guys head in he lost? How is that fair?

Marquez for his part comes out as golden as a losing fighter can. It is obvious he has a knack for giving Pacquiao trouble. His now internet darling status will only serve to push his paydays higher if he chooses to continue his career. And if he does retire he now has an entire fan base that respects him for his classy sombrero sportage.

The sport of boxing is dead
In the span of 30mins or so every bar in America had the exact same reaction. The UFC fight ended in roughly 30 seconds. Yet another heavyweight champion was crowned. Then Joe Rogan started talking. All said the worst 5 minutes of television ever.

But Pacquiao/Marquez gave us an hour of riveting action. True the fight did not live up to expectation. It was not a war in the same mold of their previous two fights. But the conversation surrounding the fight has lasted into the week. Opinions about who won or what was lost in the long run are everywhere. I'm writing a blog about boxing, and frankly I don't give a damn about boxing. But what I do care about is competitive sporting events. Which is what Saturday nights boxing match delivered.

Oh and stop lying. You will order Mayweather/Pacquiao, and you know it.

The rumors of Peyton Manning's death are greatly exaggerated

Peyton Manning is having a Huck Finn moment. He is attending his own funeral. Watching the mourners bury his career in the ground. Hearing the eulogies of how important he was to everyone. The irony that his coach's name is Jim shouldn't be lost either. And Peyton might be loving every minute of it.

Everyone wants a Huck Finn moment. Schools give out writing assignments where students are instructed to write their own obituary. It's part writing assignment and part psychology assignment. Who hasn't had a moment of, "They'll all miss me when I'm gone"? In "It's a Wonderful Life" George Bailey goes so far as to wish he was never born. We get to see a world without George's deeds and awesome stammering abilities. But without Clarence to guide the way the vast majority of people enter the great unknown completely blind to what the world will be like without them. Not Manning. He knows.

For the common fan, football isn't life. The coming season is viewed with excitement and hope. For a few weeks every team has a shot. But take football away and most of us would get along just fine. The players are another story entirely. You see it in the devotion it takes to give your body day in and day out to a punishing game. Players have health issues post career. They find themselves adrift financially and seemingly lost. In the worst case scenario, seen all too much recently, they die at a young age. So yes, it is more than just a game to them. It is livelihood and life.

So here is Peyton Manning. Watching a team he has carried for 13 years die a slow death without him. A perennial playoff team left hapless after the loss of just one player. Peyton's injury has given him a front row seat to his teams demise. Life without Peyton in the huddle is bad, historically bad.

Yet we all have an ego. Even a great team player like Manning. He is aware of his place in the pantheon of great NFL Quarterbacks. Most assuredly he has heard the talk, though in jest, that he should get a few MVP votes. Just like George Bailey the world is a much worse place without him. The proud Indianapolis Colts have turned into a sullen group from Pottersville. So does he secretly enjoy it?

Is there a part of Peyton Manning that smiles seeing his worth proved without ever stepping foot on the field? Every time Curtis Painter throws an interception then takes his helmet off to reveal his He-Man hair cut does Peyton's ego swell with pride? The Colts are a car that only he can start.

But with any ego trip comes a trap. If the Colts continue their historic plunge Peyton's replace-ability will be tested. Andrew Luck is without question the best Quarterback prospect to enter the draft since Peyton himself. Manning may soon find himself in a situation where not only does he have a front row seat to his and the Colts demise but also their rebirth. You only live one NFL life. Peyton Manning may enjoy the final few months of his watching his own burial.

On the Penn State presser

twenty minutes after Penn State cancelled its weekly football presser the furor seems to be all centered on Joe Paterno. There is no defending Paterno in this scandal. To use the word "scandal" doesn't even equate to what took place at Penn State, it is an atrocity. So much so that I don't even want to read about it because it makes me nauseous.

But this is NOT a football issue. Joe Paterno did not cancel his press conference. I assure you it was cancelled from the very top of the Penn State hierarchy. Paterno made his terrible decision to not act and will now be cut to shreds by the media. And rightfully so. But it shouldn't stop there. The questions must be asked and answers demanded from the top levels in Penn State. Do not make this solely a football issue. This is not just an ESPN story. What happened at Penn State does not have a score or a point spread and should be treated as a much larger issue and more important issue.

Omar gets the vote out

The main sports story right now is so awful I don't want to write about it. I am actually *thankful* Joe Frazier died because now I'm not being bombarded by it. That said Penn State deserves everything it is about to get.

So levity ya, lets make fun of politics!!

I'm super unpolitical. Which is 99% due to my unparalleled laziness and 1% due to my stupidity on worldly matters. So my "opinions" on anything political or even responsibility as a whole should be taken with David Arquette levels of seriousness. Honestly, if I ever have a child I might resort to flipping a coin to make big decisions like save for college or buy adorably hilarious costumes to dress it in. This isn't a disclaimer, just cold hard facts. Seriously, I gave an 11 year old a beer once (but it was in Mexico so that hardly counts) so I am never running for office.

BUT if I did these are some things that really caught me

1) #anyonebutedlee is a stupid hashtag and concept idea. Anyone? Really? Aren't you the same people who complained when Arnold Schwarzenegger (spelled correct on first shot) become Governor because he was running against a porn star and a look-a-like Spacely Sprockets. So I don't wanna hear you complain when Pete Wentz is running things in 10 years.

2) I am not taking political advice from someone who dresses like a carnival barker and calls themselves Chicken.

3) David Chiu looks like the bad guy accountant from the The Dark Knight. That isn't a bad thing. But I notice it whenever he is on tv and I am conducting a business deal with a clown. SWEAR TO ME

4) The moment the election is over the OccupySF camp is getting torn down. Which is ridiculous

5) I'm not voting for him. But telling me not to vote for Ed Lee because he "lied" is asinine. Because whoever the next mayor is will never be able to change his mind if this is the line of reasoning you are gonna use.

6) Stop leaving stuff on my porch. Most cities have a law regulating how long signs can stay up after an election. The same should be true for all the junk that is now littering my coffee table.

7) The one time I met Bevan Dufty he was wearing a kimono or the male equivalent at least. We did not meet in a karate class.

8) Watching the Wire completely wreaked my ability to not assume a scandal or sneaky back door deal is going on with every election ever.

9) Also I assume anyone wearing a trench coat and whistling is a bad ass gay guy

10) I'd vote for Buster Posey over anyone for any position

This hot stove goes to 11

Hot Stove season means nonsensical sport column season.

Examples:

A) The Yankees should trade for Matt Cain
B) The Giants should sign Prince Fielder
C) Now is the time to trade Tim Lincecum
D) The Mets are bringing back Benny Agbayani

Wanna take a guess at which one of those moves makes the most sense? In recent years, and I blame twitter, sports columns have veered so wildly into the fringes of reasonable trades and moves it makes you wonder if the columns are serious or just a ploy to get readers. Sports columns have begun to be filled with Enquirer-esque stories so outlandish you’d think we were writing about a Kardashian. (SEE!! Obligated to make a pop culture reference, even I am afflicted)

I keep coming back to the question of "why". Why do these columns get written. Is sports writing getting less sophisticated, not very far to fall to begin with. Am I just getting way too smart, sincerely unlikely. The idea occurred to me that the stories could just be competing team plants. Taking a cue from political campaigns teams could float a story that, for example, the Giants should consider trading Matt Cain. Citing his impending free agency and their need for a big bat now is the time to trade Cain before he gets too expensive or decides to leave on his own. The problem with a story like that is IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. I feel like Obama defending his birth certificate here.

So why would someone write it? Headlines and sound bites pure and simple. To get readers you have to write something that catches. So lets debunk these tall tale trades and signing.

A) The Yankess should trade for Matt Cain.
I am sure the Yankees would love to. A pitcher who has been reliable his entire career. Throws strikes and has a low walk rate. Don’t look at his win/loss record cause that hides the truth about the quality of pitcher he is, though it will ultimately cost him several million. The problem with the article I read about this trade is who the Yankees said they would trade for him. Nick Swisher. Nick Swisher? Really? An All-Star pitcher for a .230 hitter whose home run power is greatly inflated by playing in a hitters park? The article continues to state that in no way should the Yankees include top prospect Jesus Montero in the deal. Then why in the world would the Giants make that trade?

B) The Giants should sign Prince Fielder.
Would this be great? Yes, of course it would. Does it make any sense at all, No. The Giants already have a first baseman. Two to be exact. And one is already being paid a premium price to decline. Prince is going to get a deal in the 120 million range. At this price the Giants would be unable to resign any of their pitching. You know that pitching that won the World Series. But by all means keep pushing the idea that without a big bat free agent the Giants can’t win.

C) Now is the time to trade Lincecum
Because all signs point to him declining plus he's really not that popular in San Francisco. Wait, what’s the opposite of all that? You don’t trade a pitcher who is the face of a franchise during the prime of his career because he MIGHT breakdown. Especially when there is zero indication of said breakdown happening. Again the “clear money for a big bat” argument doesn’t hold water here. Lincecum is far more valuable to the Giants than Prince Fielder would be, and yes, even more than Albert Pujols. Look at the ransom that pitchers like Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia have gotten from teams that need a sure every 5th day stopper. Big time pitching>Big bat. Just ask the Nationals about Jayson Werth.

So sensationalize all you want sports writers of America. I understand the arm chair quarterback mentality. The hot stove season is that time of year where fans can fantasize about that AJ Burnett for Pablo Sandoval deal. And the poor Mets deserve to dream a little don't they.

Hey it's stage direction to a musical

Dark. We hear the sound of the wind as the outline of a house frame is revealed. The wind builds and begins to howl as the outline of the house begins to take shape. The house appears as a cross section. As if someone opened a dolls house up to look into the rooms. There is a living room, bedroom, and kitchen. Each clearly in need of some work. A stair unit runs between the kitchen and bedroom giving the effect that the bedroom is actually upstairs. Downstage a front lawn also in need of care is visible. A Realtor sign is placed in the yard. “Psychic Realty, We KNOW the house you want” A “SOLD” sign is on top. Stage left of the front yard is a wooden fence about five feet high leading to the neighbors house. Only a small portion of the side of the neighbors house is seen.

SONG 1- INVITATION

As the wind dies down in intensity we hear the faint sounds of a women singing underneath. Her voice is soon joined by a chorus of others all unseen. The voices build in abundance and volume as the lights come up on the front yard of the house on a crisp August morning. The two real estate agents from the sign LINDSAY and VICTORIA come hustling on followed by the homes new owner SARA.

Old Baseball post for archive. Also for beehive. Best not to read while you handjive

NO! No! Don’t trust them Indians! The Friars are evil! Just look at those haircuts.

It will come down to these 10 games. Following Jonathan Sanchez‘s comments that the Giants would sweep the Padres and win the West, the Giants clubhouse seemed to bristle a little bit. Comments like these made from an under performing walk machine of a pitcher following a terrible outing are kinda frowned upon. The terrifying monster that is opposing team bulletin board material was thrown around in the media all week. I’m gonna take the opposite side of this. Do the Padres really need a reason to be motivated to beat a team that is nipping at their playoff heals? You certainly wouldn’t think so. Bulletin board material seems like a silly movie ploy where Pacino or Micky get up in the team/players face to get them pumped.

Furthermore, the Giants weren’t exactly sacking the city of San Diego with their play against the Friars previously. So what is the harm in changing things up with a few inflammatory comments? That said, Sanchez better bring it or book himself a ticket to the “Aubrey-Huff-stuffs-your-head-in-a Pablo-used–toilet-after-the-game-train”.

Also, Tebow+Friar haicut x (sex with women)/lack of arm strength= another reason to dislike the Padres. That’s baseball math.

Players to watch: Ryan Ludwick, Miguel Tejada. I hate that the Padres acquired two major league starters, while the Giants decided their currently decomposing middle infield needed no work. Yes, the waiver acquisition of Mike FonteOHNO will help. But the thought that Renteria was the answer before and after the trade deadline kinda makes me fish sandwich queasy. Ludwick and Tejada meanwhile provide a veteran leadership the Padres semi-lacked. All the while adding depth to a team that already performs with assembly line efficiency. Dear god the Padres have become self aware.

Storylines to watch: These 10 games against the Padres will decide how the West was won. That isn’t really going out on a limb there, but it’s what matters most. All of the remaining Giants/Padres match ups are weekend affairs. Which makes for stronger crowds, except for in San Diego where the city will begin gearing up for football season soon and completely forget it has a baseball team in the playoff hunt. In the same vein as a four game series these ten games will be determined by the health and effectiveness of the starting pitching. Can Tim Lincecum find his release point again? Can Matt Latos and Madison K. Bumgarner stay strong while throwing more innings than ever? Can Barry Zito stay Barry Zito and not morph into the evil Bzito (Bad Zito) again? Can Matt Cain continue doing what is best in life?Impress your friends: You want a reason to reeeeeally hate the Padres? Troy Aikman is a minority owner. Yes, that Troy Aikman. Destroyer of Bay Area football teams, and all around terrible announcer. And worst of all, friend to the devil himself, Joe Buck.

man (heart) bear

Number 3

I went to deposit 95 whole dollars to my account yesterday, two checks, 95 total. Resting upon the ATM and soon to jealously bitch slap me was someones, who we shall refer to as Bucket O' Fuck Head, account statement. Like a car accident you look.

130,896.65

That was just the checking. I am sure the savings just had a picture of the Monopoly Man on it.

I then continued my long days journey to Carls's Jr. My pride is short lived at best and onion rings are the hot new currency for fall

Meep Meep!

To your right you will see the Reptile House. To your left you will see the very rough vocals for the CD I am making. Enjoy and comment and watch out for Boa Constrictors

Scratch Marks

I have 5 scratch tracks from my recording session. OK. Now what do I do?

For Helen

OK post fixed and songs on the side.

Then is now

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Tiffani Amber Thiessen birthday? No, good. That means the story will be new.

In the year of our lord 1998 I was vaguely infatuated with a girl. I got invited to her 16Th birthday party. So I gussied up in my fanciest Anchor Blue polo shirt and was ready to hitch a ride with my friend when the inevitable problem of the present presented itself.

Being 16 I did not live the life of luxury I am now accustomed to. Furthermore, I have never been particularly fond of asking my parents for money. So other matters had to be taken.

My Grandpa had a deep seated lust for gambling, yeah that's fair. Really, he went to get bread once and ended up in Atlantic City, we lived in California. To his credit he did return with week old bread. But I Rambo. During these black out gambling periods he would acquire silver dollars. I was told they were from hitting Black Jack. But I just like to assume he knocked over stage coaches. Upon returning from his frolics he would make "amends?" to the children by hiding the silver dollars around the house only telling us where they were after...wait for it...let your mind wander...sitting on our heads

No joke, he would sit on your head until you nearly passed out. Then and only then were you told were to find the silver dollar. Looking back I think he was trying to kill us.

Having my head sat on roughly 32 times I had about 32 dollars worth of silver dollars. Which I saved in a tiny slot machine replica in my room. One hammer brothers smash and I was 32 dollars rich.

With 32 silver dollars weighing down my pants that already didn't fit we headed to Albertson/Safeway/Lucky's/Von's/Ralph's. Cause lets face it where else do you go to buy a pretty 16 year old girl a gift.

"Lets get her a turkey baster or a spatula" Clearly my friend did not understand the serious magnitude of this present. A girls 16Th birthday is supposed to be magical. Why else would they make a MTV show about it.

"Lets get her a bunch of super balls"
"How about instead of a turkey baster we just get her a whole turkey"
"...just deli meat then?"

I had decided what we were getting before we even got to the store. Roses! oh yes bwahahaha I would win her over with a 30 dollar potted (because in no way was this a vase) roses. Then she will see. I now skip down the frozen foods section.

Pot of roses in hand we head to the party. Which is of course like walking into a John Hughesian wet dream. Not only is everyone there much more attractive than I am, but there is a pool party going on. If only to emphasize the fact I weigh roughly 47 pounds.

I put my rose pot on the table and head outside. As I maneuver to the pool, dignity tucked firmly away in my back pocket, the abrasive punk rock band playing outside cues up their rendition of a Shania Twain's "Your Still the one I want," just as I notice Tiffani and her new Zack playing splashy splashy. Oh right and I forgot to sign the card on the flowers. Deep breaths and panic sandwiches

And now I know I have to be in a movie. The party heads into open presents. The whole time opening everything around my now wilting rose pot which seemingly has started to resemble your grandmothers center-piece. Finally, Mercifully, there is nothing left on the table but six dead flowers and an unsigned card stuffed into an over sized Dixie cup. Zack notices the flowers and raises them to the group, "what the hell? who brought flowers to a birthday party?" Of course this is the funniest joke anyone has ever told.

everyone laughs
He sets the flowers down
i discover the ability to become invisible just in time
Everyone heads back out to the pool
my flowers almost seems to turn to me and say, "Ouch, that sucks man. You could still Sign the card?"
i debate signing the card with a fake name like Ron and in the end just decide to leave.
Besides tonight I have a curfew

I'm not saying I know how to have a good time, but

Found on my steps this morning.

Hobo drinking bing?

Me sleep drinking again?

Billy Dee Williams leaving me a message? I think you know the answer

$743

That is how much I owe in revised taxes. Goodbye iphone that can conjure Rhinos. Goodbye

You see I was always told things you did in the past never came back to haunt you. You lied fortune cookie, you lied. Now make me a sandwich.

I am eating at crepevine and barry bonds just walked into the restaurant i am freaking out.