Birthday Boy

So, a few months ago in a vain attempt at both humor and a deep seated desire to "1 degree of Kevin Bacon", Charlie Sheen. I started asking Bree Olsen to be my 30th Birthday date. The first 10 tweets I just threw out into the vast twitter-web in hopes someone would giggle; and by giggle I mean fall madly in love with me. Making 15 year old me proud of what 30 year old me was able to accomplish solely by sitting in front of a laptop...Believe me, the irony not was not lost on me. In the end Bree Olsen was a no show. Guess I'll just have to shoot for an Olsen twin at my 40th birthday party now

So 10 tweets...

@BreeOlson wanna be my date for my 30th day party? Qualification: 1) Fun personality. Think Jim from the office...but slightly less handsome

@BreeOlson 2) I don't stink

@BreeOlson 3) Decently talented...I've been called the songbird of my generation by people who may or may not be my parents

@BreeOlson 4) Did I mention I don't stink

@BreeOlson 5) Though not a hippie or gay I live in San Francisco and that's pretty cool

@BreeOlson 6) I'm creeped out by magicians. So you don't have to worry about them ever coming around. That's piece of mind

@BreeOlson 7) If you aren't my date I'm going to take my friend Cool Ranch Doritos...

@BreeOlson 8) Jason Hoover= Professional Bear Defense Course Instructor. That's piece of mind if Bears get loose in the bar

@BreeOlson 9) You can bounce a quarter off my ass... And by "quarter" I mean basketball. And by "ass" I mean my head.

@BreeOlson ...finally 10) I can talk to Squirrels. Matter of fact one is next to me right now. Whats that Ben? I agree she should be my date.

No answer at this point. 10 more couldn't hurt right?

@BreeOlson 11) You probably didn't read the first 10 but 'm persistent

@BreeOlson 12) I just mistyped your name and sent a tweet to @BretHart. he is not as pretty. Also, Canadian

@BreeOlson 13) Meat? pst who needs it!

@BreeOlson 14) OK that last one was a lie. I really like meat. But respect your none meat ways

@BreeOlson 15) and final reason you should come with me to my birthday party. it'll be fun

@BreeOlson 16) ugh that last one was trite. There is zero chance zombies attack my birthday party. But if they do...i'm prepared...always

@BreeOlson 16) please direct all complaints to Steve Jobs and autocorrect...wait what happened?

@BreeOlson 17) everyone who shows up gets a bunny.

@BreeOlson 18) the 3 remaining midgets from wizard of Oz will be there

Direct Message received from Bree Olsen: You won.

Direct Message sent to Bree Olsen: 19) At my birthday party the 60th guest wins a washer/dryer combo...I've only invited 30 people. You make 31


@BreeOlson drumroll for final #20) I smell like new car smell

Fine 10 more reasons why @BreeOlson should be my birthday date...

@BreeOlson 20) Las Vegas is only a short @VirginAmerica and Richard Branson hit air balloon trip to SF. Only the finest things

@BreeOlson 21) It's not spying that I know you are in Vegas. I told you I speak to animals. Your kitten ratted you out

@BreeOlson 22) Kitten...Ratted...Come on...#wordplay

@BreeOlson 23) The single most terrifying thing that can happen to a man is turning 30 alone.

@BreeOlson 24) ....that and your childhood teddy bear coming to life and hunting you down for leaving it, "All awone "

@BreeOlson 25) My 30th birthday was predicted by Mayans

@BreeOlson 26) Mayans AND Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple. #shrineofthesilvermonkey

@BreeOlson 27) Im trained in the art of the Harrison Ford punch. Effective against: Nazis, temple guards, people on my damn plane.

@BreeOlson 28) My impression of Robert De Niro talking to Yoda about grammar was voted "Most Hilarious" by Mothers Quarterly Magizine.

@BreeOlson 29) CHEX MIX!!!!

@BreeOlson 30th reason why you should be my date for my 30th: There's____chance____will____raspberries___into the night___Carol Channing!!

Giants Positional Breakdown: Second Base

"And it appears Freddy Sanchez is hurt"

You could put pretty solid odds on hearing that quote at least once this upcoming season. Sanchez's games played totals over the last 3 years paint a pretty clear picture.

2009: 111 games

2010: 111 games

2011: 60 games

For a player who will be 34 at the start of the 2012 season the Giants can expect Sanchez (even in his contract year) to play somewhere between 90-110 games. But for the 90 or so games he gives the Giants, Sanchez should be a viable number two hitter.

Sanchez's projected splits: .275/.322/.377

But since no one likes batting average as a stat anymore lets just assume .275 stands for the percentage of times he would look adorable in a Mickey Mouse costume.

So...

What NOT to do

Nothing. The worst thing the Giants could do is go into the season assuming Sanchez will play 140 plus games. Along these lines assuming that anyone currently in house is a viable backup would also be short sided. Jeff Keppinger and Manny Burris (both decent bench guys) should not be counted on to fill Sanchez's spot full time should/when he get injured.

What TO do

I can't believe I am gonna say this. Jerry Hairston. A multi-use utility player makes more sense here than any in house option. Additionally, the free agent second baseman market isn't even worth looking at. Kelly Johnson is likely the best available player. But his Type A status makes him a foolish risk. Signing Hairston would also prevent a more serious problem. Him signing with another N.L. West team and spending another season torturing the Giants. If you can't beat em, join em..er...sign em...

What WILL happen

Second base for the Giants will depend largely on what happens at Shortstop. If Brandon Crawford is given the everyday job at shortstop expect a veteran back up to be somewhere in that mix. That veteran could be a re-sign of Orlando Cabrera or someone like the aforementioned Hairston. Ideally, a player who could spell both positions when needed. The Giants will make it a priority to shore up the middle infield depth. Depth at both middle infield positions is a high priority right now. Higher than the big outfield bat everyone is clamoring for

Giants Positional Breakdown: Shortstop

"If Brandon Crawford can hit .240 the Giants will be fine"

I actually heard this quote a few weeks back and shuddered at the truth behind it. The Giants haven't had a good shortstop since Aurilla. Not Visquel, not Aurilla part deux, not Uribe, and no not Renteria. So a long term shortstop is way overdue

What NOT to do: Sign Joe Reyes.
6/100 million for a shortstop that on average plays 130 games. Did I look that number up? Nope don't need to. The book on Reyes is so well know it seems almost preposterous that someone would even consider paying him his desired asking price. The Giants don't have a good history with big ticket free agents. If the Giants pay a player more than 20 million on the open market chances are the deal is going to be frowned upon. Bonds being the rarest of exceptions to this rule. The sirens call that Reyes emits is that he fills both the shortstop and leadoff role the Giants covet so deeply. The best move for the Giants in regards to Reyes is to cover their ears and just sail right on past him.

What to absolutely positively NOT do under any circumstances. Even the sudden rapture of every human being under the age of 30
Old shortstops.

What TO do: Let Brandon Crawford play.
The Brandon Belt experience last year should be example enough for the Giants. Let the high prospects play. If you think enough to bring them up it does little to no good to let them rot on the bench. Crawford hitting .240 isn't good. When Juan Uribe hit .248 he did so with a high homerun total that the Giants do not expect from Crawford. That said the Giants need a YOUNG shortstop they can run out every day, no matter how many he rolls over. The plan should be to play Crawford everyday. Give him 400 ABs sink or swim.

Next Whatnot-2B

Alex>Trent

Stop comparing Alex Smith to Trent Dilfer. It's not accurate. Not even close really.

Trent Dilfer's 2000 season with the Baltimore Ravens has become emblematic. If an NFL quarterback is doing *just* enough to win, he is Dilfer. If a quarterback is playing in the shadow of an elite NFL defense, he is Dilfer. We might as well change the phrase "game manager" to "Dilfering".

Alex Smith is not Dilfering.

Stats alone paint a fairly clear picture of the difference between the two.

DILFER: G(11) COMP%(59.3) YDS(1,502) TD(12) INT(11) RATE(76.6)HAIR(0)EYES(crossed)

SMITH: G(9) COMP%(64) YDS(1,709) TD(11) INT(3) RATE(95.8) HAIR(golden) EYES(piercing)

See any similarities there? Neither do I. Alex Smith is not an elite quarterback, regardless of what Harbaugh says. But he is certainly having a better, more reliable, year than Dilfer did. He is a better quarterback. A more reliable quarterback. And there is no chance he is getting replaced by Elvis Grbac next year.

Debunking the Internets Pacquiao/Marquez drivel

I watched the Pacquiao/Marquez fight sandwiched between a drunk guy from Alabama and an even drunker Irish guy. After 12 rounds and just as much boxing the two could agree on two things: One more beer and Pacquiao had won. The culturally different drunks can agree. So why can't the internetubs?

Both sides lost
Hardly true. Clearly Manny's "legacy", as it stands right now, has taken a bit of a hit. And Marquez is now forever linked to Manny like boxing's version of the Buffalo Bills. But there was a winner in this fight, and it was Pacquiao. People have come to expect a certain type of fight from Pacquiao. They expect the destruction that he offered up to Hatton. Fact is, it's not always going to be that way. People see Pacquiao as this miniature version of Mike Tyson. Rampaging over lesser boxers leaving a trail of knockouts. So because Pacquiao didn't beat a guys head in he lost? How is that fair?

Marquez for his part comes out as golden as a losing fighter can. It is obvious he has a knack for giving Pacquiao trouble. His now internet darling status will only serve to push his paydays higher if he chooses to continue his career. And if he does retire he now has an entire fan base that respects him for his classy sombrero sportage.

The sport of boxing is dead
In the span of 30mins or so every bar in America had the exact same reaction. The UFC fight ended in roughly 30 seconds. Yet another heavyweight champion was crowned. Then Joe Rogan started talking. All said the worst 5 minutes of television ever.

But Pacquiao/Marquez gave us an hour of riveting action. True the fight did not live up to expectation. It was not a war in the same mold of their previous two fights. But the conversation surrounding the fight has lasted into the week. Opinions about who won or what was lost in the long run are everywhere. I'm writing a blog about boxing, and frankly I don't give a damn about boxing. But what I do care about is competitive sporting events. Which is what Saturday nights boxing match delivered.

Oh and stop lying. You will order Mayweather/Pacquiao, and you know it.

The rumors of Peyton Manning's death are greatly exaggerated

Peyton Manning is having a Huck Finn moment. He is attending his own funeral. Watching the mourners bury his career in the ground. Hearing the eulogies of how important he was to everyone. The irony that his coach's name is Jim shouldn't be lost either. And Peyton might be loving every minute of it.

Everyone wants a Huck Finn moment. Schools give out writing assignments where students are instructed to write their own obituary. It's part writing assignment and part psychology assignment. Who hasn't had a moment of, "They'll all miss me when I'm gone"? In "It's a Wonderful Life" George Bailey goes so far as to wish he was never born. We get to see a world without George's deeds and awesome stammering abilities. But without Clarence to guide the way the vast majority of people enter the great unknown completely blind to what the world will be like without them. Not Manning. He knows.

For the common fan, football isn't life. The coming season is viewed with excitement and hope. For a few weeks every team has a shot. But take football away and most of us would get along just fine. The players are another story entirely. You see it in the devotion it takes to give your body day in and day out to a punishing game. Players have health issues post career. They find themselves adrift financially and seemingly lost. In the worst case scenario, seen all too much recently, they die at a young age. So yes, it is more than just a game to them. It is livelihood and life.

So here is Peyton Manning. Watching a team he has carried for 13 years die a slow death without him. A perennial playoff team left hapless after the loss of just one player. Peyton's injury has given him a front row seat to his teams demise. Life without Peyton in the huddle is bad, historically bad.

Yet we all have an ego. Even a great team player like Manning. He is aware of his place in the pantheon of great NFL Quarterbacks. Most assuredly he has heard the talk, though in jest, that he should get a few MVP votes. Just like George Bailey the world is a much worse place without him. The proud Indianapolis Colts have turned into a sullen group from Pottersville. So does he secretly enjoy it?

Is there a part of Peyton Manning that smiles seeing his worth proved without ever stepping foot on the field? Every time Curtis Painter throws an interception then takes his helmet off to reveal his He-Man hair cut does Peyton's ego swell with pride? The Colts are a car that only he can start.

But with any ego trip comes a trap. If the Colts continue their historic plunge Peyton's replace-ability will be tested. Andrew Luck is without question the best Quarterback prospect to enter the draft since Peyton himself. Manning may soon find himself in a situation where not only does he have a front row seat to his and the Colts demise but also their rebirth. You only live one NFL life. Peyton Manning may enjoy the final few months of his watching his own burial.

On the Penn State presser

twenty minutes after Penn State cancelled its weekly football presser the furor seems to be all centered on Joe Paterno. There is no defending Paterno in this scandal. To use the word "scandal" doesn't even equate to what took place at Penn State, it is an atrocity. So much so that I don't even want to read about it because it makes me nauseous.

But this is NOT a football issue. Joe Paterno did not cancel his press conference. I assure you it was cancelled from the very top of the Penn State hierarchy. Paterno made his terrible decision to not act and will now be cut to shreds by the media. And rightfully so. But it shouldn't stop there. The questions must be asked and answers demanded from the top levels in Penn State. Do not make this solely a football issue. This is not just an ESPN story. What happened at Penn State does not have a score or a point spread and should be treated as a much larger issue and more important issue.