Two Scoops of Racism

A few months ago I wrote how a culinary disaster in my kitchen led me to the discovery that yams and or sweet potatoes are actually the model for the monsters in the movie "Tremors" really the Google it.

But now this-

Today, instead of asking "What would Jesus do" I asked "What would the California Raisins do". A quick trip to the youtube answered that.

Raisins are Racist.

No, not the shriveled bites of bran compliment themselves. Oh no, but the early 90's marketing. Take a look at the video, hell take a look at all the videos. Instead of hiring actual flesh and blood black actors, the so called makers of Raisins just change them into creepy claymation. What if this had caught on. . .

Claymation Cosby
Claymation Wesley Snipes in Blade
Claymation Shaq

Grumble Fish

The cathartic power of food is not lost on me. Despite all visual evidence to the contrary. Sometimes, all the time, mostthetime, I come home from work in a not so savory mood. I would say "ornery" but that word gives me a stomach ache, which would only serve to multiply the badness of my mood. Often a shower cures all, but other times it is just makeup to cover the bruise. It is on days like that I am pleased to not be a farmer and have a grocery store.

Following my work day when the shower had no effect I packed up and headed to the Safeway, headphones budded in my ears. I understand retail therapy and eating to cure stress. I just feel so much better when I can combine them both. So if you see me in Safeway buying 35 dollars worth of tuna and a pound of saffron, best steer clear, it has been a rough one. But come around tomorrow because that anger has to have an outlet and I am making a cheesecake.

What is best in life

I can now check one more thing of my life list. As last night I saw a midnight show of Conan. Next up- Develop force powers, ride a bull, arm wrestle Jeff Goldblum. Not necessarily in that order.

Can't spell Nostalgic without NOS

It took me over a year but I finally got each of my old time cologne bottles filled with old man style Old Spice Aqua Velva smells. The hilarious shaped bottles came to me over a year ago from my mom's dad, who had just passed away. As a kid I fancied them and when my mom and her sisters were going through, what I can only assume is the incredibly gut wrenching task of packing and discarding your parents belongings, they asked if I wanted them. So now they are where they will stay in my room giving off a fantastic tacky glow and smelling like an old barber shop.

Back Around

I spent most of 1999 like every other teenage boy, searching for naked pictures of Britney Spears via the dial up interweb tube service. On one particular Friday night a promising link offered me all my hearts desire. Like Aladdin's lamp my wishes were granted. I clicked away and the link transferred me to a page filled with a bevy of nudity and grainy perhaps fake pictures of my lovely Britney nude. For a span of 10 very blurry minutes I was not a girl not yet a women.

Two weeks later with the fuzzy image still burned into my retina my dad came to me with the phone bill. What I did not realize was that upon clicking on said Britney link my phone line was transferred over to a phone number in Vanuatu.

sidenote of unrelated info- Brendan just started listening to "night swimming" by REM and writing in a journal. . .we're gonna need a bigger boat.

I was presented with the now 292 dollar phone bill and told to pay it lest I receive a parental beat down. 292 dollars was about what I made in 42 months at my wee movie theatre job, but nonetheless I payed up.

Cut to last week 2008 and my phone ringing with my mom on the other end asking me if I wanted to tell her about Vanuatu? Huh? How What? I am sorry Dad never told you but you can't possibly be upset about something that happened in 1999. A lawsuit? Your joking there is a lawsuit? A check? for me?

As it would happen, as I will explain. It seems the Federal trade commission had taken umbrage with the the practices of this Fraudulent Britney porn distributor in Vanuatu and brought up a law suit against them. The link it seems was some form of entrapment. Thusly, the company was forced to pay out a settlement to anyone who happened to go in search of naked Britney Spears in the middle of the Friday nights. So I was sent a check to redeem my 292 dollars of blood money...yeah blood money.

So thanks Britney Spears for returning my money. You can come home whenever you are ready.

Ray what did you do Ray

I normally put up a quote on opening day. Here are 3 because I forgot.

You see, you spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball, and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time. ~Jim Bouton, Ball Four, 1970

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. ~Ted Williams