I went to deposit 95 whole dollars to my account yesterday, two checks, 95 total. Resting upon the ATM and soon to jealously bitch slap me was someones, who we shall refer to as Bucket O' Fuck Head, account statement. Like a car accident you look.
130,896.65
That was just the checking. I am sure the savings just had a picture of the Monopoly Man on it.
I then continued my long days journey to Carls's Jr. My pride is short lived at best and onion rings are the hot new currency for fall
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Meep Meep!
To your right you will see the Reptile House. To your left you will see the very rough vocals for the CD I am making. Enjoy and comment and watch out for Boa Constrictors
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Then is now
Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Tiffani Amber Thiessen birthday? No, good. That means the story will be new.
In the year of our lord 1998 I was vaguely infatuated with a girl. I got invited to her 16Th birthday party. So I gussied up in my fanciest Anchor Blue polo shirt and was ready to hitch a ride with my friend when the inevitable problem of the present presented itself.
Being 16 I did not live the life of luxury I am now accustomed to. Furthermore, I have never been particularly fond of asking my parents for money. So other matters had to be taken.
My Grandpa had a deep seated lust for gambling, yeah that's fair. Really, he went to get bread once and ended up in Atlantic City, we lived in California. To his credit he did return with week old bread. But I Rambo. During these black out gambling periods he would acquire silver dollars. I was told they were from hitting Black Jack. But I just like to assume he knocked over stage coaches. Upon returning from his frolics he would make "amends?" to the children by hiding the silver dollars around the house only telling us where they were after...wait for it...let your mind wander...sitting on our heads
No joke, he would sit on your head until you nearly passed out. Then and only then were you told were to find the silver dollar. Looking back I think he was trying to kill us.
Having my head sat on roughly 32 times I had about 32 dollars worth of silver dollars. Which I saved in a tiny slot machine replica in my room. One hammer brothers smash and I was 32 dollars rich.
With 32 silver dollars weighing down my pants that already didn't fit we headed to Albertson/Safeway/Lucky's/Von's/Ralph's. Cause lets face it where else do you go to buy a pretty 16 year old girl a gift.
"Lets get her a turkey baster or a spatula" Clearly my friend did not understand the serious magnitude of this present. A girls 16Th birthday is supposed to be magical. Why else would they make a MTV show about it.
"Lets get her a bunch of super balls"
"How about instead of a turkey baster we just get her a whole turkey"
"...just deli meat then?"
I had decided what we were getting before we even got to the store. Roses! oh yes bwahahaha I would win her over with a 30 dollar potted (because in no way was this a vase) roses. Then she will see. I now skip down the frozen foods section.
Pot of roses in hand we head to the party. Which is of course like walking into a John Hughesian wet dream. Not only is everyone there much more attractive than I am, but there is a pool party going on. If only to emphasize the fact I weigh roughly 47 pounds.
I put my rose pot on the table and head outside. As I maneuver to the pool, dignity tucked firmly away in my back pocket, the abrasive punk rock band playing outside cues up their rendition of a Shania Twain's "Your Still the one I want," just as I notice Tiffani and her new Zack playing splashy splashy. Oh right and I forgot to sign the card on the flowers. Deep breaths and panic sandwiches
And now I know I have to be in a movie. The party heads into open presents. The whole time opening everything around my now wilting rose pot which seemingly has started to resemble your grandmothers center-piece. Finally, Mercifully, there is nothing left on the table but six dead flowers and an unsigned card stuffed into an over sized Dixie cup. Zack notices the flowers and raises them to the group, "what the hell? who brought flowers to a birthday party?" Of course this is the funniest joke anyone has ever told.
everyone laughs
He sets the flowers down
i discover the ability to become invisible just in time
Everyone heads back out to the pool
my flowers almost seems to turn to me and say, "Ouch, that sucks man. You could still Sign the card?"
i debate signing the card with a fake name like Ron and in the end just decide to leave.
Besides tonight I have a curfew
In the year of our lord 1998 I was vaguely infatuated with a girl. I got invited to her 16Th birthday party. So I gussied up in my fanciest Anchor Blue polo shirt and was ready to hitch a ride with my friend when the inevitable problem of the present presented itself.
Being 16 I did not live the life of luxury I am now accustomed to. Furthermore, I have never been particularly fond of asking my parents for money. So other matters had to be taken.
My Grandpa had a deep seated lust for gambling, yeah that's fair. Really, he went to get bread once and ended up in Atlantic City, we lived in California. To his credit he did return with week old bread. But I Rambo. During these black out gambling periods he would acquire silver dollars. I was told they were from hitting Black Jack. But I just like to assume he knocked over stage coaches. Upon returning from his frolics he would make "amends?" to the children by hiding the silver dollars around the house only telling us where they were after...wait for it...let your mind wander...sitting on our heads
No joke, he would sit on your head until you nearly passed out. Then and only then were you told were to find the silver dollar. Looking back I think he was trying to kill us.
Having my head sat on roughly 32 times I had about 32 dollars worth of silver dollars. Which I saved in a tiny slot machine replica in my room. One hammer brothers smash and I was 32 dollars rich.
With 32 silver dollars weighing down my pants that already didn't fit we headed to Albertson/Safeway/Lucky's/Von's/Ralph's. Cause lets face it where else do you go to buy a pretty 16 year old girl a gift.
"Lets get her a turkey baster or a spatula" Clearly my friend did not understand the serious magnitude of this present. A girls 16Th birthday is supposed to be magical. Why else would they make a MTV show about it.
"Lets get her a bunch of super balls"
"How about instead of a turkey baster we just get her a whole turkey"
"...just deli meat then?"
I had decided what we were getting before we even got to the store. Roses! oh yes bwahahaha I would win her over with a 30 dollar potted (because in no way was this a vase) roses. Then she will see. I now skip down the frozen foods section.
Pot of roses in hand we head to the party. Which is of course like walking into a John Hughesian wet dream. Not only is everyone there much more attractive than I am, but there is a pool party going on. If only to emphasize the fact I weigh roughly 47 pounds.
I put my rose pot on the table and head outside. As I maneuver to the pool, dignity tucked firmly away in my back pocket, the abrasive punk rock band playing outside cues up their rendition of a Shania Twain's "Your Still the one I want," just as I notice Tiffani and her new Zack playing splashy splashy. Oh right and I forgot to sign the card on the flowers. Deep breaths and panic sandwiches
And now I know I have to be in a movie. The party heads into open presents. The whole time opening everything around my now wilting rose pot which seemingly has started to resemble your grandmothers center-piece. Finally, Mercifully, there is nothing left on the table but six dead flowers and an unsigned card stuffed into an over sized Dixie cup. Zack notices the flowers and raises them to the group, "what the hell? who brought flowers to a birthday party?" Of course this is the funniest joke anyone has ever told.
everyone laughs
He sets the flowers down
i discover the ability to become invisible just in time
Everyone heads back out to the pool
my flowers almost seems to turn to me and say, "Ouch, that sucks man. You could still Sign the card?"
i debate signing the card with a fake name like Ron and in the end just decide to leave.
Besides tonight I have a curfew
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I'm not saying I know how to have a good time, but
Found on my steps this morning. Hobo drinking bing?
Me sleep drinking again?
Billy Dee Williams leaving me a message? I think you know the answer
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
$743
That is how much I owe in revised taxes. Goodbye iphone that can conjure Rhinos. Goodbye
You see I was always told things you did in the past never came back to haunt you. You lied fortune cookie, you lied. Now make me a sandwich.
You see I was always told things you did in the past never came back to haunt you. You lied fortune cookie, you lied. Now make me a sandwich.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)