Then is now

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Tiffani Amber Thiessen birthday? No, good. That means the story will be new.

In the year of our lord 1998 I was vaguely infatuated with a girl. I got invited to her 16Th birthday party. So I gussied up in my fanciest Anchor Blue polo shirt and was ready to hitch a ride with my friend when the inevitable problem of the present presented itself.

Being 16 I did not live the life of luxury I am now accustomed to. Furthermore, I have never been particularly fond of asking my parents for money. So other matters had to be taken.

My Grandpa had a deep seated lust for gambling, yeah that's fair. Really, he went to get bread once and ended up in Atlantic City, we lived in California. To his credit he did return with week old bread. But I Rambo. During these black out gambling periods he would acquire silver dollars. I was told they were from hitting Black Jack. But I just like to assume he knocked over stage coaches. Upon returning from his frolics he would make "amends?" to the children by hiding the silver dollars around the house only telling us where they were after...wait for it...let your mind wander...sitting on our heads

No joke, he would sit on your head until you nearly passed out. Then and only then were you told were to find the silver dollar. Looking back I think he was trying to kill us.

Having my head sat on roughly 32 times I had about 32 dollars worth of silver dollars. Which I saved in a tiny slot machine replica in my room. One hammer brothers smash and I was 32 dollars rich.

With 32 silver dollars weighing down my pants that already didn't fit we headed to Albertson/Safeway/Lucky's/Von's/Ralph's. Cause lets face it where else do you go to buy a pretty 16 year old girl a gift.

"Lets get her a turkey baster or a spatula" Clearly my friend did not understand the serious magnitude of this present. A girls 16Th birthday is supposed to be magical. Why else would they make a MTV show about it.

"Lets get her a bunch of super balls"
"How about instead of a turkey baster we just get her a whole turkey"
"...just deli meat then?"

I had decided what we were getting before we even got to the store. Roses! oh yes bwahahaha I would win her over with a 30 dollar potted (because in no way was this a vase) roses. Then she will see. I now skip down the frozen foods section.

Pot of roses in hand we head to the party. Which is of course like walking into a John Hughesian wet dream. Not only is everyone there much more attractive than I am, but there is a pool party going on. If only to emphasize the fact I weigh roughly 47 pounds.

I put my rose pot on the table and head outside. As I maneuver to the pool, dignity tucked firmly away in my back pocket, the abrasive punk rock band playing outside cues up their rendition of a Shania Twain's "Your Still the one I want," just as I notice Tiffani and her new Zack playing splashy splashy. Oh right and I forgot to sign the card on the flowers. Deep breaths and panic sandwiches

And now I know I have to be in a movie. The party heads into open presents. The whole time opening everything around my now wilting rose pot which seemingly has started to resemble your grandmothers center-piece. Finally, Mercifully, there is nothing left on the table but six dead flowers and an unsigned card stuffed into an over sized Dixie cup. Zack notices the flowers and raises them to the group, "what the hell? who brought flowers to a birthday party?" Of course this is the funniest joke anyone has ever told.

everyone laughs
He sets the flowers down
i discover the ability to become invisible just in time
Everyone heads back out to the pool
my flowers almost seems to turn to me and say, "Ouch, that sucks man. You could still Sign the card?"
i debate signing the card with a fake name like Ron and in the end just decide to leave.
Besides tonight I have a curfew

I'm not saying I know how to have a good time, but

Found on my steps this morning.

Hobo drinking bing?

Me sleep drinking again?

Billy Dee Williams leaving me a message? I think you know the answer

$743

That is how much I owe in revised taxes. Goodbye iphone that can conjure Rhinos. Goodbye

You see I was always told things you did in the past never came back to haunt you. You lied fortune cookie, you lied. Now make me a sandwich.

I am eating at crepevine and barry bonds just walked into the restaurant i am freaking out.

A patient in the doctors office just asked if she could turn a trick to pay for her procedure... Oh boy.

ESPod

Do I have a male biological clock? I understand that strictly scientifically speaking my clock needs less cranking and will tick away longer. Nonetheless, since the only science I believe in is conducted by Beaker and Bunsen I recently found myself taking a trip upon the awkward turtle.

I take the bus to rehearsal. It is my leisure time post work. Grand... I know. I put on my sunglasses and ipod and just zone out for a good 45 mins. Last week though the train came to a jolt and I was forced to open my eyes to glare at what tourist was slowing my trip. Paying no attention to the prophetic Harry Chapin song warning in my head phones, I looked up and was greeted by the giant head of a baby staring at me.

Normally, would have paid no attention to the small bald wonder and gone about my glare spree. But my mouth stared to open and these words. These unintelligible words started to pour out. Then to top it all off while I was in the process of making some sort of monkey cross eyed face the pasty thing reaches its Quato hand out and grabs my finger.

Start the reactor Jason? Do I have to? Can't I just continue to do volunteer work at the reactor on weekends till I am at least forty?

There are 25 people in the audience. I just counted

Me and my makeup station at the show. I am going to update throughout the show