I stole your ideas

Birthday Boy

2012-01-24T21:54:00.001-08:00

So, a few months ago in a vain attempt at both humor and a deep seated desire to "1 degree of Kevin Bacon", Charlie Sheen. I started asking Bree Olsen to be my 30th Birthday date. The first 10 tweets I just threw out into the vast twitter-web in hopes someone would giggle; and by giggle I mean fall madly in love with me. Making 15 year old me proud of what 30 year old me was able to accomplish solely by sitting in front of a laptop...Believe me, the irony not was not lost on me. In the end Bree Olsen was a no show. Guess I'll just have to shoot for an Olsen twin at my 40th birthday party now

So 10 tweets...

@BreeOlson wanna be my date for my 30th day party? Qualification: 1) Fun personality. Think Jim from the office...but slightly less handsome

@BreeOlson 2) I don't stink

@BreeOlson 3) Decently talented...I've been called the songbird of my generation by people who may or may not be my parents

@BreeOlson 4) Did I mention I don't stink

@BreeOlson 5) Though not a hippie or gay I live in San Francisco and that's pretty cool

@BreeOlson 6) I'm creeped out by magicians. So you don't have to worry about them ever coming around. That's piece of mind

@BreeOlson 7) If you aren't my date I'm going to take my friend Cool Ranch Doritos...

@BreeOlson 8) Jason Hoover= Professional Bear Defense Course Instructor. That's piece of mind if Bears get loose in the bar

@BreeOlson 9) You can bounce a quarter off my ass... And by "quarter" I mean basketball. And by "ass" I mean my head.

@BreeOlson ...finally 10) I can talk to Squirrels. Matter of fact one is next to me right now. Whats that Ben? I agree she should be my date.

No answer at this point. 10 more couldn't hurt right?

@BreeOlson 11) You probably didn't read the first 10 but 'm persistent

@BreeOlson 12) I just mistyped your name and sent a tweet to @BretHart. he is not as pretty. Also, Canadian

@BreeOlson 13) Meat? pst who needs it!

@BreeOlson 14) OK that last one was a lie. I really like meat. But respect your none meat ways

@BreeOlson 15) and final reason you should come with me to my birthday party. it'll be fun

@BreeOlson 16) ugh that last one was trite. There is zero chance zombies attack my birthday party. But if they do...i'm prepared...always

@BreeOlson 16) please direct all complaints to Steve Jobs and autocorrect...wait what happened?

@BreeOlson 17) everyone who shows up gets a bunny.

@BreeOlson 18) the 3 remaining midgets from wizard of Oz will be there

Direct Message received from Bree Olsen: You won.

Direct Message sent to Bree Olsen: 19) At my birthday party the 60th guest wins a washer/dryer combo...I've only invited 30 people. You make 31

@BreeOlson drumroll for final #20) I smell like new car smell

Fine 10 more reasons why @BreeOlson should be my birthday date...

@BreeOlson 20) Las Vegas is only a short @VirginAmerica and Richard Branson hit air balloon trip to SF. Only the finest things

@BreeOlson 21) It's not spying that I know you are in Vegas. I told you I speak to animals. Your kitten ratted you out

@BreeOlson 22) Kitten...Ratted...Come on...#wordplay

@BreeOlson 23) The single most terrifying thing that can happen to a man is turning 30 alone.

@BreeOlson 24) ....that and your childhood teddy bear coming to life and hunting you down for leaving it, "All awone "

@BreeOlson 25) My 30th birthday was predicted by Mayans

@BreeOlson 26) Mayans AND Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple. #shrineofthesilvermonkey

@BreeOlson 27) Im trained in the art of the Harrison Ford punch. Effective against: Nazis, temple guards, people on my damn plane.

@BreeOlson 28) My impression of Robert De Niro talking to Yoda about grammar was voted "Most Hilarious" by Mothers Quarterly Magizine.

@BreeOlson 29) CHEX MIX!!!!

@BreeOlson 30th reason why you should be my date for my 30th: There's____chance____will____raspberries___into the night___Carol Channing!!

Giants Positional Breakdown: Second Base

2011-11-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

"And it appears Freddy Sanchez is hurt"

You could put pretty solid odds on hearing that quote at least once this upcoming season. Sanchez's games played totals over the last 3 years paint a pretty clear picture.

2009: 111 games

2010: 111 games

2011: 60 games

For a player who will be 34 at the start of the 2012 season the Giants can expect Sanchez (even in his contract year) to play somewhere between 90-110 games. But for the 90 or so games he gives the Giants, Sanchez should be a viable number two hitter.

Sanchez's projected splits: .275/.322/.377

But since no one likes batting average as a stat anymore lets just assume .275 stands for the percentage of times he would look adorable in a Mickey Mouse costume.

So...

What NOT to do

Nothing. The worst thing the Giants could do is go into the season assuming Sanchez will play 140 plus games. Along these lines assuming that anyone currently in house is a viable backup would also be short sided. Jeff Keppinger and Manny Burris (both decent bench guys) should not be counted on to fill Sanchez's spot full time should/when he get injured.

What TO do

I can't believe I am gonna say this. Jerry Hairston. A multi-use utility player makes more sense here than any in house option. Additionally, the free agent second baseman market isn't even worth looking at. Kelly Johnson is likely the best available player. But his Type A status makes him a foolish risk. Signing Hairston would also prevent a more serious problem. Him signing with another N.L. West team and spending another season torturing the Giants. If you can't beat em, join em..er...sign em...

What WILL happen

Second base for the Giants will depend largely on what happens at Shortstop. If Brandon Crawford is given the everyday job at shortstop expect a veteran back up to be somewhere in that mix. That veteran could be a re-sign of Orlando Cabrera or someone like the aforementioned Hairston. Ideally, a player who could spell both positions when needed. The Giants will make it a priority to shore up the middle infield depth. Depth at both middle infield positions is a high priority right now. Higher than the big outfield bat everyone is clamoring for

Giants Positional Breakdown: Shortstop

2011-11-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

"If Brandon Crawford can hit .240 the Giants will be fine"

I actually heard this quote a few weeks back and shuddered at the truth behind it. The Giants haven't had a good shortstop since Aurilla. Not Visquel, not Aurilla part deux, not Uribe, and no not Renteria. So a long term shortstop is way overdue

What NOT to do: Sign Joe Reyes.
6/100 million for a shortstop that on average plays 130 games. Did I look that number up? Nope don't need to. The book on Reyes is so well know it seems almost preposterous that someone would even consider paying him his desired asking price. The Giants don't have a good history with big ticket free agents. If the Giants pay a player more than 20 million on the open market chances are the deal is going to be frowned upon. Bonds being the rarest of exceptions to this rule. The sirens call that Reyes emits is that he fills both the shortstop and leadoff role the Giants covet so deeply. The best move for the Giants in regards to Reyes is to cover their ears and just sail right on past him.

What to absolutely positively NOT do under any circumstances. Even the sudden rapture of every human being under the age of 30
Old shortstops.

What TO do: Let Brandon Crawford play.
The Brandon Belt experience last year should be example enough for the Giants. Let the high prospects play. If you think enough to bring them up it does little to no good to let them rot on the bench. Crawford hitting .240 isn't good. When Juan Uribe hit .248 he did so with a high homerun total that the Giants do not expect from Crawford. That said the Giants need a YOUNG shortstop they can run out every day, no matter how many he rolls over. The plan should be to play Crawford everyday. Give him 400 ABs sink or swim.

Next Whatnot-2B

Alex>Trent

2011-11-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

Stop comparing Alex Smith to Trent Dilfer. It's not accurate. Not even close really.

Trent Dilfer's 2000 season with the Baltimore Ravens has become emblematic. If an NFL quarterback is doing *just* enough to win, he is Dilfer. If a quarterback is playing in the shadow of an elite NFL defense, he is Dilfer. We might as well change the phrase "game manager" to "Dilfering".

Alex Smith is not Dilfering.

Stats alone paint a fairly clear picture of the difference between the two.

DILFER: G(11) COMP%(59.3) YDS(1,502) TD(12) INT(11) RATE(76.6)HAIR(0)EYES(crossed)

SMITH: G(9) COMP%(64) YDS(1,709) TD(11) INT(3) RATE(95.8) HAIR(golden) EYES(piercing)

See any similarities there? Neither do I. Alex Smith is not an elite quarterback, regardless of what Harbaugh says. But he is certainly having a better, more reliable, year than Dilfer did. He is a better quarterback. A more reliable quarterback. And there is no chance he is getting replaced by Elvis Grbac next year.

Debunking the Internets Pacquiao/Marquez drivel

2011-11-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

I watched the Pacquiao/Marquez fight sandwiched between a drunk guy from Alabama and an even drunker Irish guy. After 12 rounds and just as much boxing the two could agree on two things: One more beer and Pacquiao had won. The culturally different drunks can agree. So why can't the internetubs?

Both sides lost
Hardly true. Clearly Manny's "legacy", as it stands right now, has taken a bit of a hit. And Marquez is now forever linked to Manny like boxing's version of the Buffalo Bills. But there was a winner in this fight, and it was Pacquiao. People have come to expect a certain type of fight from Pacquiao. They expect the destruction that he offered up to Hatton. Fact is, it's not always going to be that way. People see Pacquiao as this miniature version of Mike Tyson. Rampaging over lesser boxers leaving a trail of knockouts. So because Pacquiao didn't beat a guys head in he lost? How is that fair?

Marquez for his part comes out as golden as a losing fighter can. It is obvious he has a knack for giving Pacquiao trouble. His now internet darling status will only serve to push his paydays higher if he chooses to continue his career. And if he does retire he now has an entire fan base that respects him for his classy sombrero sportage.

The sport of boxing is dead
In the span of 30mins or so every bar in America had the exact same reaction. The UFC fight ended in roughly 30 seconds. Yet another heavyweight champion was crowned. Then Joe Rogan started talking. All said the worst 5 minutes of television ever.

But Pacquiao/Marquez gave us an hour of riveting action. True the fight did not live up to expectation. It was not a war in the same mold of their previous two fights. But the conversation surrounding the fight has lasted into the week. Opinions about who won or what was lost in the long run are everywhere. I'm writing a blog about boxing, and frankly I don't give a damn about boxing. But what I do care about is competitive sporting events. Which is what Saturday nights boxing match delivered.

Oh and stop lying. You will order Mayweather/Pacquiao, and you know it.

The rumors of Peyton Manning's death are greatly exaggerated

2011-11-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

Peyton Manning is having a Huck Finn moment. He is attending his own funeral. Watching the mourners bury his career in the ground. Hearing the eulogies of how important he was to everyone. The irony that his coach's name is Jim shouldn't be lost either. And Peyton might be loving every minute of it.

Everyone wants a Huck Finn moment. Schools give out writing assignments where students are instructed to write their own obituary. It's part writing assignment and part psychology assignment. Who hasn't had a moment of, "They'll all miss me when I'm gone"? In "It's a Wonderful Life" George Bailey goes so far as to wish he was never born. We get to see a world without George's deeds and awesome stammering abilities. But without Clarence to guide the way the vast majority of people enter the great unknown completely blind to what the world will be like without them. Not Manning. He knows.

For the common fan, football isn't life. The coming season is viewed with excitement and hope. For a few weeks every team has a shot. But take football away and most of us would get along just fine. The players are another story entirely. You see it in the devotion it takes to give your body day in and day out to a punishing game. Players have health issues post career. They find themselves adrift financially and seemingly lost. In the worst case scenario, seen all too much recently, they die at a young age. So yes, it is more than just a game to them. It is livelihood and life.

So here is Peyton Manning. Watching a team he has carried for 13 years die a slow death without him. A perennial playoff team left hapless after the loss of just one player. Peyton's injury has given him a front row seat to his teams demise. Life without Peyton in the huddle is bad, historically bad.

Yet we all have an ego. Even a great team player like Manning. He is aware of his place in the pantheon of great NFL Quarterbacks. Most assuredly he has heard the talk, though in jest, that he should get a few MVP votes. Just like George Bailey the world is a much worse place without him. The proud Indianapolis Colts have turned into a sullen group from Pottersville. So does he secretly enjoy it?

Is there a part of Peyton Manning that smiles seeing his worth proved without ever stepping foot on the field? Every time Curtis Painter throws an interception then takes his helmet off to reveal his He-Man hair cut does Peyton's ego swell with pride? The Colts are a car that only he can start.

But with any ego trip comes a trap. If the Colts continue their historic plunge Peyton's replace-ability will be tested. Andrew Luck is without question the best Quarterback prospect to enter the draft since Peyton himself. Manning may soon find himself in a situation where not only does he have a front row seat to his and the Colts demise but also their rebirth. You only live one NFL life. Peyton Manning may enjoy the final few months of his watching his own burial.

On the Penn State presser

2011-11-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

twenty minutes after Penn State cancelled its weekly football presser the furor seems to be all centered on Joe Paterno. There is no defending Paterno in this scandal. To use the word "scandal" doesn't even equate to what took place at Penn State, it is an atrocity. So much so that I don't even want to read about it because it makes me nauseous.

But this is NOT a football issue. Joe Paterno did not cancel his press conference. I assure you it was cancelled from the very top of the Penn State hierarchy. Paterno made his terrible decision to not act and will now be cut to shreds by the media. And rightfully so. But it shouldn't stop there. The questions must be asked and answers demanded from the top levels in Penn State. Do not make this solely a football issue. This is not just an ESPN story. What happened at Penn State does not have a score or a point spread and should be treated as a much larger issue and more important issue.

Omar gets the vote out

2011-11-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

The main sports story right now is so awful I don't want to write about it. I am actually *thankful* Joe Frazier died because now I'm not being bombarded by it. That said Penn State deserves everything it is about to get.

So levity ya, lets make fun of politics!!

I'm super unpolitical. Which is 99% due to my unparalleled laziness and 1% due to my stupidity on worldly matters. So my "opinions" on anything political or even responsibility as a whole should be taken with David Arquette levels of seriousness. Honestly, if I ever have a child I might resort to flipping a coin to make big decisions like save for college or buy adorably hilarious costumes to dress it in. This isn't a disclaimer, just cold hard facts. Seriously, I gave an 11 year old a beer once (but it was in Mexico so that hardly counts) so I am never running for office.

BUT if I did these are some things that really caught me

1) #anyonebutedlee is a stupid hashtag and concept idea. Anyone? Really? Aren't you the same people who complained when Arnold Schwarzenegger (spelled correct on first shot) become Governor because he was running against a porn star and a look-a-like Spacely Sprockets. So I don't wanna hear you complain when Pete Wentz is running things in 10 years.

2) I am not taking political advice from someone who dresses like a carnival barker and calls themselves Chicken.

3) David Chiu looks like the bad guy accountant from the The Dark Knight. That isn't a bad thing. But I notice it whenever he is on tv and I am conducting a business deal with a clown. SWEAR TO ME

4) The moment the election is over the OccupySF camp is getting torn down. Which is ridiculous

5) I'm not voting for him. But telling me not to vote for Ed Lee because he "lied" is asinine. Because whoever the next mayor is will never be able to change his mind if this is the line of reasoning you are gonna use.

6) Stop leaving stuff on my porch. Most cities have a law regulating how long signs can stay up after an election. The same should be true for all the junk that is now littering my coffee table.

7) The one time I met Bevan Dufty he was wearing a kimono or the male equivalent at least. We did not meet in a karate class.

8) Watching the Wire completely wreaked my ability to not assume a scandal or sneaky back door deal is going on with every election ever.

9) Also I assume anyone wearing a trench coat and whistling is a bad ass gay guy

10) I'd vote for Buster Posey over anyone for any position

This hot stove goes to 11

2011-11-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hot Stove season means nonsensical sport column season.

Examples:

A) The Yankees should trade for Matt Cain
B) The Giants should sign Prince Fielder
C) Now is the time to trade Tim Lincecum
D) The Mets are bringing back Benny Agbayani

Wanna take a guess at which one of those moves makes the most sense? In recent years, and I blame twitter, sports columns have veered so wildly into the fringes of reasonable trades and moves it makes you wonder if the columns are serious or just a ploy to get readers. Sports columns have begun to be filled with Enquirer-esque stories so outlandish you’d think we were writing about a Kardashian. (SEE!! Obligated to make a pop culture reference, even I am afflicted)

I keep coming back to the question of "why". Why do these columns get written. Is sports writing getting less sophisticated, not very far to fall to begin with. Am I just getting way too smart, sincerely unlikely. The idea occurred to me that the stories could just be competing team plants. Taking a cue from political campaigns teams could float a story that, for example, the Giants should consider trading Matt Cain. Citing his impending free agency and their need for a big bat now is the time to trade Cain before he gets too expensive or decides to leave on his own. The problem with a story like that is IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. I feel like Obama defending his birth certificate here.

So why would someone write it? Headlines and sound bites pure and simple. To get readers you have to write something that catches. So lets debunk these tall tale trades and signing.

A) The Yankess should trade for Matt Cain.
I am sure the Yankees would love to. A pitcher who has been reliable his entire career. Throws strikes and has a low walk rate. Don’t look at his win/loss record cause that hides the truth about the quality of pitcher he is, though it will ultimately cost him several million. The problem with the article I read about this trade is who the Yankees said they would trade for him. Nick Swisher. Nick Swisher? Really? An All-Star pitcher for a .230 hitter whose home run power is greatly inflated by playing in a hitters park? The article continues to state that in no way should the Yankees include top prospect Jesus Montero in the deal. Then why in the world would the Giants make that trade?

B) The Giants should sign Prince Fielder.
Would this be great? Yes, of course it would. Does it make any sense at all, No. The Giants already have a first baseman. Two to be exact. And one is already being paid a premium price to decline. Prince is going to get a deal in the 120 million range. At this price the Giants would be unable to resign any of their pitching. You know that pitching that won the World Series. But by all means keep pushing the idea that without a big bat free agent the Giants can’t win.

C) Now is the time to trade Lincecum
Because all signs point to him declining plus he's really not that popular in San Francisco. Wait, what’s the opposite of all that? You don’t trade a pitcher who is the face of a franchise during the prime of his career because he MIGHT breakdown. Especially when there is zero indication of said breakdown happening. Again the “clear money for a big bat” argument doesn’t hold water here. Lincecum is far more valuable to the Giants than Prince Fielder would be, and yes, even more than Albert Pujols. Look at the ransom that pitchers like Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia have gotten from teams that need a sure every 5th day stopper. Big time pitching>Big bat. Just ask the Nationals about Jayson Werth.

So sensationalize all you want sports writers of America. I understand the arm chair quarterback mentality. The hot stove season is that time of year where fans can fantasize about that AJ Burnett for Pablo Sandoval deal. And the poor Mets deserve to dream a little don't they.

Hey it's stage direction to a musical

2011-11-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

Dark. We hear the sound of the wind as the outline of a house frame is revealed. The wind builds and begins to howl as the outline of the house begins to take shape. The house appears as a cross section. As if someone opened a dolls house up to look into the rooms. There is a living room, bedroom, and kitchen. Each clearly in need of some work. A stair unit runs between the kitchen and bedroom giving the effect that the bedroom is actually upstairs. Downstage a front lawn also in need of care is visible. A Realtor sign is placed in the yard. “Psychic Realty, We KNOW the house you want” A “SOLD” sign is on top. Stage left of the front yard is a wooden fence about five feet high leading to the neighbors house. Only a small portion of the side of the neighbors house is seen.

SONG 1- INVITATION

As the wind dies down in intensity we hear the faint sounds of a women singing underneath. Her voice is soon joined by a chorus of others all unseen. The voices build in abundance and volume as the lights come up on the front yard of the house on a crisp August morning. The two real estate agents from the sign LINDSAY and VICTORIA come hustling on followed by the homes new owner SARA.

Old Baseball post for archive. Also for beehive. Best not to read while you handjive

2011-11-01T21:43:00.001-07:00

NO! No! Don’t trust them Indians! The Friars are evil! Just look at those haircuts.

It will come down to these 10 games. Following Jonathan Sanchez‘s comments that the Giants would sweep the Padres and win the West, the Giants clubhouse seemed to bristle a little bit. Comments like these made from an under performing walk machine of a pitcher following a terrible outing are kinda frowned upon. The terrifying monster that is opposing team bulletin board material was thrown around in the media all week. I’m gonna take the opposite side of this. Do the Padres really need a reason to be motivated to beat a team that is nipping at their playoff heals? You certainly wouldn’t think so. Bulletin board material seems like a silly movie ploy where Pacino or Micky get up in the team/players face to get them pumped.

Furthermore, the Giants weren’t exactly sacking the city of San Diego with their play against the Friars previously. So what is the harm in changing things up with a few inflammatory comments? That said, Sanchez better bring it or book himself a ticket to the “Aubrey-Huff-stuffs-your-head-in-a Pablo-used–toilet-after-the-game-train”.

Also, Tebow+Friar haicut x (sex with women)/lack of arm strength= another reason to dislike the Padres. That’s baseball math.

Players to watch: Ryan Ludwick, Miguel Tejada. I hate that the Padres acquired two major league starters, while the Giants decided their currently decomposing middle infield needed no work. Yes, the waiver acquisition of Mike FonteOHNO will help. But the thought that Renteria was the answer before and after the trade deadline kinda makes me fish sandwich queasy. Ludwick and Tejada meanwhile provide a veteran leadership the Padres semi-lacked. All the while adding depth to a team that already performs with assembly line efficiency. Dear god the Padres have become self aware.

Storylines to watch: These 10 games against the Padres will decide how the West was won. That isn’t really going out on a limb there, but it’s what matters most. All of the remaining Giants/Padres match ups are weekend affairs. Which makes for stronger crowds, except for in San Diego where the city will begin gearing up for football season soon and completely forget it has a baseball team in the playoff hunt. In the same vein as a four game series these ten games will be determined by the health and effectiveness of the starting pitching. Can Tim Lincecum find his release point again? Can Matt Latos and Madison K. Bumgarner stay strong while throwing more innings than ever? Can Barry Zito stay Barry Zito and not morph into the evil Bzito (Bad Zito) again? Can Matt Cain continue doing what is best in life?Impress your friends: You want a reason to reeeeeally hate the Padres? Troy Aikman is a minority owner. Yes, that Troy Aikman. Destroyer of Bay Area football teams, and all around terrible announcer. And worst of all, friend to the devil himself, Joe Buck.

man (heart) bear

2009-02-09T23:05:00.001-08:00

Number 3

2008-09-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

I went to deposit 95 whole dollars to my account yesterday, two checks, 95 total. Resting upon the ATM and soon to jealously bitch slap me was someones, who we shall refer to as Bucket O' Fuck Head, account statement. Like a car accident you look.

130,896.65

That was just the checking. I am sure the savings just had a picture of the Monopoly Man on it.

I then continued my long days journey to Carls's Jr. My pride is short lived at best and onion rings are the hot new currency for fall

Meep Meep!

2008-07-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

To your right you will see the Reptile House. To your left you will see the very rough vocals for the CD I am making. Enjoy and comment and watch out for Boa Constrictors

Scratch Marks

2008-07-10T00:16:00.001-07:00

I have 5 scratch tracks from my recording session. OK. Now what do I do?

For Helen

2008-07-09T23:48:00.001-07:00

OK post fixed and songs on the side.

Then is now

2008-06-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Tiffani Amber Thiessen birthday? No, good. That means the story will be new.

In the year of our lord 1998 I was vaguely infatuated with a girl. I got invited to her 16Th birthday party. So I gussied up in my fanciest Anchor Blue polo shirt and was ready to hitch a ride with my friend when the inevitable problem of the present presented itself.

Being 16 I did not live the life of luxury I am now accustomed to. Furthermore, I have never been particularly fond of asking my parents for money. So other matters had to be taken.

My Grandpa had a deep seated lust for gambling, yeah that's fair. Really, he went to get bread once and ended up in Atlantic City, we lived in California. To his credit he did return with week old bread. But I Rambo. During these black out gambling periods he would acquire silver dollars. I was told they were from hitting Black Jack. But I just like to assume he knocked over stage coaches. Upon returning from his frolics he would make "amends?" to the children by hiding the silver dollars around the house only telling us where they were after...wait for it...let your mind wander...sitting on our heads

No joke, he would sit on your head until you nearly passed out. Then and only then were you told were to find the silver dollar. Looking back I think he was trying to kill us.

Having my head sat on roughly 32 times I had about 32 dollars worth of silver dollars. Which I saved in a tiny slot machine replica in my room. One hammer brothers smash and I was 32 dollars rich.

With 32 silver dollars weighing down my pants that already didn't fit we headed to Albertson/Safeway/Lucky's/Von's/Ralph's. Cause lets face it where else do you go to buy a pretty 16 year old girl a gift.

"Lets get her a turkey baster or a spatula" Clearly my friend did not understand the serious magnitude of this present. A girls 16Th birthday is supposed to be magical. Why else would they make a MTV show about it.

"Lets get her a bunch of super balls"
"How about instead of a turkey baster we just get her a whole turkey"
"...just deli meat then?"

I had decided what we were getting before we even got to the store. Roses! oh yes bwahahaha I would win her over with a 30 dollar potted (because in no way was this a vase) roses. Then she will see. I now skip down the frozen foods section.

Pot of roses in hand we head to the party. Which is of course like walking into a John Hughesian wet dream. Not only is everyone there much more attractive than I am, but there is a pool party going on. If only to emphasize the fact I weigh roughly 47 pounds.

I put my rose pot on the table and head outside. As I maneuver to the pool, dignity tucked firmly away in my back pocket, the abrasive punk rock band playing outside cues up their rendition of a Shania Twain's "Your Still the one I want," just as I notice Tiffani and her new Zack playing splashy splashy. Oh right and I forgot to sign the card on the flowers. Deep breaths and panic sandwiches

And now I know I have to be in a movie. The party heads into open presents. The whole time opening everything around my now wilting rose pot which seemingly has started to resemble your grandmothers center-piece. Finally, Mercifully, there is nothing left on the table but six dead flowers and an unsigned card stuffed into an over sized Dixie cup. Zack notices the flowers and raises them to the group, "what the hell? who brought flowers to a birthday party?" Of course this is the funniest joke anyone has ever told.

everyone laughs
He sets the flowers down
i discover the ability to become invisible just in time
Everyone heads back out to the pool
my flowers almost seems to turn to me and say, "Ouch, that sucks man. You could still Sign the card?"
i debate signing the card with a fake name like Ron and in the end just decide to leave.
Besides tonight I have a curfew

I'm not saying I know how to have a good time, but

2008-06-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

Found on my steps this morning.

Hobo drinking bing?

Me sleep drinking again?

Billy Dee Williams leaving me a message? I think you know the answer

$743

2008-06-10T23:37:00.001-07:00

That is how much I owe in revised taxes. Goodbye iphone that can conjure Rhinos. Goodbye

You see I was always told things you did in the past never came back to haunt you. You lied fortune cookie, you lied. Now make me a sandwich.

2008-06-05T11:45:00.001-07:00

I am eating at crepevine and barry bonds just walked into the restaurant i am freaking out.

2008-06-05T10:07:00.001-07:00

A patient in the doctors office just asked if she could turn a trick to pay for her procedure... Oh boy.

ESPod

2008-06-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

Do I have a male biological clock? I understand that strictly scientifically speaking my clock needs less cranking and will tick away longer. Nonetheless, since the only science I believe in is conducted by Beaker and Bunsen I recently found myself taking a trip upon the awkward turtle.

I take the bus to rehearsal. It is my leisure time post work. Grand... I know. I put on my sunglasses and ipod and just zone out for a good 45 mins. Last week though the train came to a jolt and I was forced to open my eyes to glare at what tourist was slowing my trip. Paying no attention to the prophetic Harry Chapin song warning in my head phones, I looked up and was greeted by the giant head of a baby staring at me.

Normally, would have paid no attention to the small bald wonder and gone about my glare spree. But my mouth stared to open and these words. These unintelligible words started to pour out. Then to top it all off while I was in the process of making some sort of monkey cross eyed face the pasty thing reaches its Quato hand out and grabs my finger.

Start the reactor Jason? Do I have to? Can't I just continue to do volunteer work at the reactor on weekends till I am at least forty?

2008-06-01T14:31:00.001-07:00

There are 25 people in the audience. I just counted

2008-06-01T13:29:00.001-07:00

Me and my makeup station at the show. I am going to update throughout the show

2008-05-31T15:37:00.001-07:00

Just saw a small boy on the train eating marshmellows by skewering them with a silver cross hanging around his neck... Define blasphemy?

Alright Look

2008-05-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

There is an epic coming about this most recent adventure. But in the meantime there are some new pictures up on my flickr.

Bats Left Throws Right

2008-05-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

This time tomorrow me and these dimensions will be glued together while beer guy supplies me with the necessary tools to erase a hefty chunk of the bad mood I have been in. I only hope that a steady diet of cheap beer and the chance to yell FUKUDOME for the next week will cure what is hurtin.

Cause a trip to the moon cost too much

2008-05-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

I was reading a list of "Things men should do before they die" in some trashy magazine and an idea over took me. Furthermore, because I think somewhere, someone really has a desire to hear Kermit the frog cover James Taylor I have decided to make a CD. No desire to sell or market. Just a thought to record one. Now I gone and stumbled on another problem- What to record? So I would love some input. Any thoughts and suggestions, song ideas would be great.

Two Scoops of Racism

2008-04-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I wrote how a culinary disaster in my kitchen led me to the discovery that yams and or sweet potatoes are actually the model for the monsters in the movie "Tremors" really the Google it.

But now this-

Today, instead of asking "What would Jesus do" I asked "What would the California Raisins do". A quick trip to the youtube answered that.

Raisins are Racist.

No, not the shriveled bites of bran compliment themselves. Oh no, but the early 90's marketing. Take a look at the video, hell take a look at all the videos. Instead of hiring actual flesh and blood black actors, the so called makers of Raisins just change them into creepy claymation. What if this had caught on. . .

Claymation Cosby
Claymation Wesley Snipes in Blade
Claymation Shaq

Grumble Fish

2008-04-22T22:43:00.001-07:00

The cathartic power of food is not lost on me. Despite all visual evidence to the contrary. Sometimes, all the time, mostthetime, I come home from work in a not so savory mood. I would say "ornery" but that word gives me a stomach ache, which would only serve to multiply the badness of my mood. Often a shower cures all, but other times it is just makeup to cover the bruise. It is on days like that I am pleased to not be a farmer and have a grocery store.

Following my work day when the shower had no effect I packed up and headed to the Safeway, headphones budded in my ears. I understand retail therapy and eating to cure stress. I just feel so much better when I can combine them both. So if you see me in Safeway buying 35 dollars worth of tuna and a pound of saffron, best steer clear, it has been a rough one. But come around tomorrow because that anger has to have an outlet and I am making a cheesecake.

What is best in life

2008-04-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

I can now check one more thing of my life list. As last night I saw a midnight show of Conan. Next up- Develop force powers, ride a bull, arm wrestle Jeff Goldblum. Not necessarily in that order.

Can't spell Nostalgic without NOS

2008-04-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

It took me over a year but I finally got each of my old time cologne bottles filled with old man style Old Spice Aqua Velva smells. The hilarious shaped bottles came to me over a year ago from my mom's dad, who had just passed away. As a kid I fancied them and when my mom and her sisters were going through, what I can only assume is the incredibly gut wrenching task of packing and discarding your parents belongings, they asked if I wanted them. So now they are where they will stay in my room giving off a fantastic tacky glow and smelling like an old barber shop.

Back Around

2008-04-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

I spent most of 1999 like every other teenage boy, searching for naked pictures of Britney Spears via the dial up interweb tube service. On one particular Friday night a promising link offered me all my hearts desire. Like Aladdin's lamp my wishes were granted. I clicked away and the link transferred me to a page filled with a bevy of nudity and grainy perhaps fake pictures of my lovely Britney nude. For a span of 10 very blurry minutes I was not a girl not yet a women.

Two weeks later with the fuzzy image still burned into my retina my dad came to me with the phone bill. What I did not realize was that upon clicking on said Britney link my phone line was transferred over to a phone number in Vanuatu.

sidenote of unrelated info- Brendan just started listening to "night swimming" by REM and writing in a journal. . .we're gonna need a bigger boat.

I was presented with the now 292 dollar phone bill and told to pay it lest I receive a parental beat down. 292 dollars was about what I made in 42 months at my wee movie theatre job, but nonetheless I payed up.

Cut to last week 2008 and my phone ringing with my mom on the other end asking me if I wanted to tell her about Vanuatu? Huh? How What? I am sorry Dad never told you but you can't possibly be upset about something that happened in 1999. A lawsuit? Your joking there is a lawsuit? A check? for me?

As it would happen, as I will explain. It seems the Federal trade commission had taken umbrage with the the practices of this Fraudulent Britney porn distributor in Vanuatu and brought up a law suit against them. The link it seems was some form of entrapment. Thusly, the company was forced to pay out a settlement to anyone who happened to go in search of naked Britney Spears in the middle of the Friday nights. So I was sent a check to redeem my 292 dollars of blood money...yeah blood money.

So thanks Britney Spears for returning my money. You can come home whenever you are ready.

Ray what did you do Ray

2008-04-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

I normally put up a quote on opening day. Here are 3 because I forgot.

You see, you spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball, and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time. ~Jim Bouton, Ball Four, 1970

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. ~Ted Williams

Picture Post Card

2008-03-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

picture story.
this is a semi-long story then so bare with me here.

When I was 5 years old I fell asleep on a plate of spaghetti just like that picture. My parents took a picture of it and my Dad hung it in the garage. So even at a young age I knew the picture held some sort of Dadly special place. The picture had been up for about a year when for some reason I have forgotten my dad made me mad. Wouldn't let me stay up late? Had to eat vegetables? Who knows. In a fit of tiny 6 year old rage I stormed into the garage and tore the picture up. There were no copies so the picture was long gone torn to bitty pieces. Even as a little kid I could tell that it hurt my dads feelings. As a standard "Wonder Years" dad he wouldn't let it show but you could still tell.

Cut to the present- for this Christmas I decided to retake the picture. My Dad has everything he needs so the idea of buying him yet another set wrenches seemed kinda lame. So I poured a glass of milk. Made a plate of spaghetti and stuck my face in it.

and that is the how and why.

Thrilly Manilly

2008-03-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

It is still a bit on the wonky side but but everyone loves being turned into a zombie so give it a check and see.

Thrill yourself

Here is mine and my comically large disjointed nose.

Get off my quote!!

2008-03-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I am grasping at straws here. Or maybe Arron Sorkin has taken up speech writing. Here is a tidbit from new Governor David Paterson's inauguration speech.

"Let me reintroduce myself. I am David Paterson and I am the Governor of New York State."

Cool right? Damn right it is because Michael Douglas already said it. . .

Days

2008-03-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

The Days Inn website just hit on me. . .

After booking a room in Chicago for a May day a chat box popped up with a lovely young women named Jessica asking me about my upcoming stay in Chi-town.

Is there anyway she could help me with?
What is the nature of my visit?
Would I like to take a survey?
What sizes shoes do I wear?

twas a day

2008-03-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Some things there should just not be a first for.

I got hit by a bolt of lightning last week and in a bind had to go and get a happy fun time test. Too much time in the ball pit eh?

-Before progressing with itchy said story; know that everything is good. I am Clean like Mr. and Safe like Way.

Soo. . . IN a bind I had to leave the land of medical insurance and take a stop by the Haight Free Clinic. Great place, Great people, Really helpful, too funny not to write about. May my terrified day bring a smile to your face.

It takes me 5 mins to climb the stairs to get to the clinic, Not because there are alot, heavens no there are only around twenty steps. But the man, as he tells me, who just had his 7th hip replacement is in front of me. 7th!!!!!!! clearly they had been using old red vines instead of titanium.

I check in, they ask why I am there, I stare blankly. . . how can we help you?.... COughSTDTESTcough. . . .

To check my vitals the clinic is employing the hottest student nurse in the history of hot nurses. Seriously, she was George Clooney of women hot. And as will be todays theme she asks me why I am here. However, this time I just slightly tilt my head to the side and raise my eyebrows "STD test" it comes out almost like an acknowledgement "Yeah that's right, I can do it".

My blood pressure is high she smirks. As she leads me into the room where my doctor will meet me.

The Room: is not a room. it is a kinda sorta closet complete with a street level window to put my shame on display to the man sleeping on the concrete outside.

My Doctor: is in fact a doctor. He has a name tag that says as much. He is also in fact wearing a significant amount of blush and lipstick. Howdedoo here we go. After a brief informal yet informative lecture he gives me on STDs, its pants off dance off time. Standing there with the now Venetian blind covered window breeze blowing on my back, pants down holding my shirt up staring at the celling for fear of looking down and having him meet my eyes and haivng me burst into laughter, I made a solemm promise to myself-

This will be the first and last time a man wearing makeup plays HAHA you just grabbed my balls with me.

With the pound of flesh now being taken I gave blood and was pronounced a quite cleanly 26 year old. Nothing itchy, nothing scratchy just a bit of a bruise on my ego.

Jason-1
STDs-0

I win burning pee I win

Own Goal

2008-02-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

Dear David Beckham's junk,

Go away! Great Jerry Lee Lewis his package is everywhere. As a frequent inter web tube user I don't like going from ESPN (David Beckham junk of the month calender). To CNN (Fed raises interest rate on David Beckhams's abs).

I am terrified to go to bed, what if my mom has replaced my sheets with David Beckhams?

Sandwich Frisbee

2008-02-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

JAson looks up to the sky and just shakes head. "Ah come on now, what the fuck?" I am asking no one in particular "what the fuck" is going on. I just like the sound of the word and the day has been so blatantly stacked against me "What the fuck?" is the only sentence that adequately describes what is going on.

If the word "Fuck" was replaced by the word "Hippo" things would be funnier.

I had a bad show. This happens more often than not. I should have that checked out. So I decide I am going to take a cab home. Get home fast plant myself in front of a box of cheezits and video game away the nights worries.

Problem: There is a huge line of tourists waiting for cabs.

OK. I will just take the bus. Pop in my Iignore head phones and pretend I am Huey Lewis.

Problem: I just miss the bus and the happiness that is the F-line won't be back till I grow a Brawny man beard.

Finesicle, I will walk. 30 minute walk, 30 minutes of a clear head, I can still pretend I am Huey Lewis.

Problem: Wooooo!! Splat!!! A rouge Honda Civic that I am sure smelled of Hugo Boss and copious amounts of hair gel whizzes past and out the window comes a hurled sandwich.

"Ah come on now, What the fuck!" Who throws a sandwich?! At least hit me with a snake filled with some batteries. Shakes fist at no one in particular.

Hippo this day.

P-Day

2008-02-21T21:37:00.000-08:00

MY mom wanted a gay son. That is the only rational reason I could and still can come up with for this one.

I was listening to sports talk radio the other day at my masculine job work where I build Chevy's out of old tank parts while listening to Bruce Springsteen and stabbing Vampires. When the host began to talk about his football sheets as a child. He described how he was so protective of his sheets even at a young age and would get into fights with his brothers if they dare to try and take them.

Then I remembered. Then I had a brain aneurysm-

I don't have a kid. . . that I know of. But if I did I would use THE GOOGLE to figure out how to potty train him. Or I would hope that by 1.5 years old he could use THE GOOGLE to teach himself. This is what he would find:

"My personal recommendation is to first teach your son to potty training sitting down. Once he completely potty trained for both and is accident free, then I would recommend training him to pee standing up like his father and brothers!!" Weeeeeeeeee!!!

My mom did not have THE GOOGLE. She had OLD MOUNTAIN DEVIL WITCH METHODS. Which is why I had Bambi Sheets.

Listening to my manly sports talk show shot the memory of my mom putting me to sleep with a tuck in, kiss on the forehead and a "Don't pee on Bambi's mom"

This was notNOT followed by "Gee the old girl had it hard enough what with being shot, she doesn't need you pissing all over her face." Oh no no noes!

"You don't want to get Bambi's mom dirty." Would anyone be surprised if I said I was in a onesie Culture Club jumper?

Return of the Theory

2007-12-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

Just go ahead and mark this one down next to my Dinobolicaly brilliant theory Which you may read here-

My genius is this: What if this giant Dino they found had T-Rex's for fingers?

And for years now instead of finding what they thought were separate T-Rex's they had just been finding fingers for one giant Dino, (cue shot of a perplexed Sam Neil).

Sort of like "Alien" but instead of a mouth-monster they had Finger-Rex's

Furthermore, if this idea ends up as a Dane Cook joke or a Steven Speilberg movie, my lawyer will take issue, (cue shot of a glowering Sam Waterston).

Episode 7.5 A New Contract

cue music:

Scott Boras watches Star Wars. And this is solely how he went about A-Rods new contract. Darth Vader was bad. Like- he told his kid to get a switch from the peach tree and it was a lightsaber and he cut his hand off- bad

(ugliest face in history NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

But in the end we end up liking Vader because there was someone even worse for us to hate, The Emperor. The Scott Boras. Follow. . .three more dots to get it. . .

A-Rod comes to Scott Boras and says something to the effect of, "I want to stay a Yankee, I love it here, hitting in this lineup is like shooting Womp Rats in Beggers Canyon."

Which means easy

"They hate me though. They boo me. I am good looking and the best baseball player ever, but they would rather have Scott Brosius who looks like Aunt Beru playing third."

But Boras has been watching episode: 4-6 and he knows.

Here is the plan he says. I will do something so despicable that every ones natural disdain for me will be multiplied. Then you come along and in a moment of clarity and wisdom throw me under the bus/down the wellpowerconverterthingy.

So Boras announces A-rod is opting out during the World Series- A rebel alliance is formed

Boras says A-Rod is not coming back to the Yankees- Someone puts plans to stop him into a MAC strapped to a trash can on roller blades

Boras says A-Rod is asking for 400 million "Boras Bucks" which is roughly translated to the money pit Scrooge McDuck dives into- five multiplujillion, nine impossibidillion, seven fantasticatrillion dollars and sixteen cents

all the while A-Rod remains quite and lets the furor build. GM's says there is no way in hell they or anyone else will approach him with a price tag that large.

IT'S A TRAP!

Just when all seems lost, A-Rod is going to be a Los Angeles Angel of Southern Californiaville and make 400 mil. A-Rod Vaders up. He claims Boras subverted him and made him throw Sam Jackson out a window. A-Rod swoops in and saves his own day. Claiming he always wanted to be a Yankee. He negotiates his own contract, which can't be that hard when it comes to 300 mil, right? And all of the sudden people start to like A-Rod. He turned on the guy who was destroying Baseball. A-Rod saved the day!

All the while Scott Boras goes on being hated, which he was anyway. And getting the best for his client, which he always does one way or the other.

. . .well

2007-11-27T23:55:00.001-08:00

It seems to me, which is the only person it seems to matter to, that I never have anything to write about when everything is copacetic.

ten mins later: copacetic is quite a pretentious word, but then again so is pretentious. I could have just said "when everything is going well"

Tooth Fairy

2007-11-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

"Got any socks"(?)
I am not sure if that should be followed by a question mark or not.

Doing laundry where I live is an adventure. Doing anything where I live is an adventure.

At any given time the laundry mat may have a drug deal going on or some manner of homeless frogger tournament happening. Also, Creepy laundry is run by a cross dressing dwarf. I am not making that up. I couldn't. People would think I was lying. He rides a bike (normal). He has a pony tail (normal if he is Italian or time traveled from the 80's). He wears a skirt (typical for where I live, what with all the Kilts and all). He lives in the laundry mat (yes, behind the dryers. . .take it in. . .breath it in like dryer sheets in spring). -This. . .no wait this requires seven dashes. . .on a separate line

-------This is the most normal thing about the Spooky Town Laundrizzel. If you counted those dashes to see if there in fact are seven7, smack yourself.

I do laundry a lot. I only have three work uniforms and I get old lady peed on Le frequent. Insert R-Kelly joke here. Also, I counted the dashes and like things clean. CLeanCLeanCLean

Last time I ventured to Soap, Suds, and Vagrants I was confronted with that sentence. "Got any socks" (?) It was quite clear I did. I was folding them and had a pile of about ten in front of me. I keep my head phones in but turned low for just such, wait come again, moments.

"Pull your ears out" My headphones? Threat to tear my ears out in exchange for socks?

Seeing as I was just going to keep staring at him. He decided to barter. Old timey trade going down in the Wash-n-Rinse, ow was that a needle! Taking out a container he poured what was inside on the counter. Container, counter, pour, my face slide to the floor. So there I was, because I had no where else to be, Standing in front of a man wearing a leopard coat, smelling remarkable like Gin/pee/frat couches/ and old moustache clippings. And teeth. The container was filled with teeth. Dentures? no that would be too, umm, sane? They were teeth of varying sizes and cavity filled holyness.

You got any socks. No not floss or perhaps a spare dentist in my pants? Warm socks fix almost everything.

I did and he shambled out saying something to the effect of my headphones would give me an aneurysm. Perhaps if he had told me they would give gingivitis I would have take it with a grain of laundry detergent and salt.

History Lesson

2007-09-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

For the record these are some things that should happen to Marc Ecko

1) Feed him to Rhinos

2) Bake two giants cakes for him. One topped with the Letter "K". The other topped with the letter "H". Then throw him a learn how to spell your name party

3) Make the cakes out of old hot dogs and stale beer

4) Introduce him to Commissioner Ford Frick

There is a great monologue in Take Me Out where a character describes the similarities between Democracy and Baseball. The similar checks and balances (blah blah blah this blog isn't about politics it is about baseball, which, le blow me, means more to me)

"I bought this baseball to democratize the debate over what to do with it"

Yes, I am glad you have 750,000 under the couch cushions to spend on a ball.
Yes, I am glad you believe in Democracy

Fantastic, you have nothing better to spend 750,000 dollars on.
Fantastic, like me, you think Darfur is a type of lamp at Ikea

Players are voted into the Hall of Fame by a group of old stodgy sports writers. Sometimes, these paragons of sporting value and know decide not to vote someone in on the first ballot Why? Because. . .that's it, just, because. Last year a guy voted for Dante Bichette! So just like politics baseball has its own funk way of electing people.

BUT! The ball is not a person. It is the event. The ball does not represent what's wrong with sports, or even what's right with sports. It represent the 756th home run. That's all. We didn't spray paint "racist" on Ty Cobb's jersey. We don't list the amount of coke Ricky Henderson was on. Troy Glaus won a World Series MVP and he was on HGH. What? Who? When? If it was up to the public to trash history I would have peed on everything Kirby Puckett did years ago. But I didn't because I can't. Besides the fact- he was a wife beater and the grounds crew cheated (look it up) and he looked like the black Michelin Man- someone, somewhere should be able to view what he did without having the glare of an asterisk or the smell of my urine messing with their Cooperstown experience.

the ball belongs in the hall. Do not make me come to your house and play baseball ninja.

new 1

2007-09-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

More or less this is how I look. Now-a-days I look a little less like K.D. Lang, but you get the picture because there is a picture.

After the show on Sunday a lady told me I had a wonderful face. Old lady thinks I am pretty is a common theme of my work day so it is cool. However, then she elaborated that my face was wonderful because I could contort it like some sort of wet wash rag of wrinkles. I told her my father was actually a giant piece of silly putty and was on my way.

I almost broke my toe kicking a chair across a patio/room. inanimate objects beware when I am near.